One of the newest breed of asshole has been created by social media. These people clog up you page with bullshit and remind us maybe we should be doing something better with our free time (at least in that respect go them). But let me just check if I have any updates real quick...
I don’t have a lot of friends on Facebook for a reason. Not because I don’t have any (jerk) and not because people don’t like me (dick). And it’s not because I’m grumpy all the time (eater of broken meats* – in case any Elizabethan jerk are around). I’m actually significantly less grumpy with actual face to face social interactions just ignore the impression my ranting here might give. The main reason I don’t have a lot of social media friends is that I don’t accept a lot of invites. And this is where the first asshole comes in, the random dude who wants to be friends. Maybe I met you at a party through a friend of a friend or we went to camp together for five minutes or maybe you know someone I do but don’t actually know me. I wish Facebook would change the category from friends to people you may or may not know. The one thing Google plus has right is that in circles I can place you into the category I call acquaintances or the category called people I block. However if I spent more than five minutes every month on G+ I might care more. I’ll get friend requests from people I met that day. Often I’m undecided if I want to deal with you past our first interaction. I’m exceptionally judgmental. You might be a wonderful person well respected and like by many. That doesn’t matter to me. I’m picky and I own that quirk. When I’ve decided I like you then you’re in. I open the doors to my house, I’ll help you out when you need it, I’ll be the guy you can call at 2 in the morning. Until then don’t expect much. But online interactions don’t follow my unique method of dealing with people. I often feel bad not friending a person but I still do it. I culled a huge list of my supposed internet friends a while ago. I stopped letting people I barely know friend me. Hell, I barely let people I work with friend me. Deny. This is even more problematic with LinkedIn. It’s not Facebook for older people. It is meant to be a business network. Stop making it Facebook with ties.
Narcs are not new kinds of assholes. These are the people who ran to the teacher in first grade to get you in trouble for kissing Cindy. And now everyone knows Cindy likes boys and makes fun of her. You’re a dick little kid who tattles. Now Cindy is going to go into a shame spiral and twenty years later after bad decision, tattoos visible past the clothing line, a drug addiction and boyfriend who “buys” and sells found items she is just starting to get her life straightened out. I hope you’re happy. But that little prick aside it’s weird to be Facebook friends with someone at work. Facebook is where I post stupid pictures of cats (it’s the Internet so this practice should be not only be accepted but expected) and people will tag me in embarrassing pictures. Some people use Facebook as a place to rant about politics or the various things they seem to care about. They seem to forget that social media is not the outlet for serious discussion. Ranters are these assholes who make you roll your eyes at every other post. Oh good, let’s see how Obama sucks today, maybe it won’t be totally racist or uninformed or both! Nope, totally racist. Also, the responses you’ll get from a heartfelt and intelligent discourse on a serious subject, when it actually happens, will be these:
Totes agree with you bro
Those dudes are asshats
Why are you getting all butthurt??
Butthurt is not cool David
Do you really need people at work to see you off of work. These are two worlds that don’t really interact. Work me and outside work me are not the same. Work me doesn’t swear, is always polite, and for the most part innocuous. I’m boring at work and try not to crack too many jokes or insult people (ignoring those who have a desperate need to be insulted). Remember kids pain from bludgeoning goes away while a good insult can wound someone deeply forever. Not saying that I don’t friend certain people at work, I do, but it’s like playing minesweeper blindfolded. The work mate you think is totally cool could be a stooge. Unfriend.
I used to work with a lot of supposedly social media savvy people. They jump on new trends and post articles from people jumping on new trends. Essentially they are bullshit artists who try to rope you into the nonsense. They see likes and shares as dollar signs. They cultivate page views, click through and all this gobbeledy gook and try to peal real metrics from it. Look we all understand marketing is half mad scientist, half creative insight and half funny numbers. I’m so happy you are budding social media guru but my page is filled with enough bullshit without you’re plagiarized insights from LinkedIn. Unfriend.
These guys may also be trying everything in their arsenal to build a brand. Maybe they are shameless selfpromoters like that douche a with comb over Trump. If you throw away all values, pride, and believe your own hype you too might become king of douchery and have a bunch of followers you may or may have created/bought. Some are trying out new companies and promotions. They’ll have pages for you to like and follow. You should totally follow my band, and my art gallery, and my cake creating site, and my blog about cats who are really aliens (but indifferent aliens not the conquering ones), and my video series I update twice a year about video games you don’t care about. Some of these people I actually like so I tolerate it. And I understand this to an extent. I post my blog link on Facebook and when I get off my butt and finish my web series I’ll post that too. Does this make a hypocrite? Probably. But I’ll try to not to inundate your feed with constant update from all my pages, especially when they all contain the same thing and cross promote (hey by the way, follow my twitter @benscrotch). But try not to have more than three Facebook pages. Possibly unfriend.
This can relate to clogs your pages guy. This is the guy who feels you need to know everything. Oh good, he is at CVS and the line is totally long and they aren’t calling up another person to register and the person behind the register is a trainee who looks like zombie version of a drug user. Okay, that might be interesting. But he doesn’t post that in one update. That may be fifteen updates. Verbal diarrhea should not extend to the internet. We don’t have to pretend to pay attention on the internet. I had a few people on my feed that I would pass over. And I kept doing this over and over again. I began to wonder just how posts per day they had. Before I decided I was curious enough to study this phenomenon of arrogance and silliness I decided to simply unfriend them. If you are arrogant enough to assume that everyone on your list cares deeply about every status update and every little bit of your life you should get a horrible reality show to compete with the Kardashians. Maybe you’ll post less. I don’t expect people to read my posts. You shouldn’t either.
Then there is the asshole who I really dislike. Like work me I at least try to have veneer of politeness on the internet. These dicks do not. Hey, you know that stupid picture of a cat wearing a tie it shouldn’t need a comment talking about animal cruelty. Hey, that post where I ask about what type of drink to bring to a party you don’t need to talk about roofies. That posts where I was excited about my new car you don’t need to slam the company I got it from and say they messed up the design. I paid a bunch of money for the design you think sucks. If you have something negative to say that isn’t helpful kindly write it on a piece of paper rip it uo scatter in the wind and proceed to go to hell. DO not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, go straight to hell. Unfriend.
Then there are people who copy your post and steal the credit. This is the new version of the guy who tells the story that you told him back to you. Stop taking things from people and pretending they are yours. Just because it’s the internet doesn’t mean you pirate or steal things. Grow up. Not that posting song lyrics while giving credit is much better. It’s a song lyric. Unless you have commentary other than, “this reminds me of mah gurls, too many exclamation points, smiley face” this is stupid. Unfriend.
We already know about vague bookers (the jerks who post things that are vague are meant to make you comment but they remain coy and don’t specify, because they need seek attention and figured the easiest way is to be annoying instead of, say doing anything that deserves it) but their cousin is the people who post too much. Those people who tell us every detail. Especially if its gross, like placenta gross. And then aren’t simply satisfied with their post. The must comment on their post regardless if others have done so or not. I understand the social aspect of the medium has led to interaction like “lol” and ok see you tomorrow’ being acceptable statements but for fuck sake don’t post just to post. Remember when people used to write letters? They would spend time crafting a well worded piece to a friend for correspondence. I’m not saying spend countless hours besides a candle toiling over the best word to use with describe that terrible vine you saw but spend more than five seconds before posting. Think before you click. Unfriend.
You ever take one of those annoying quizzes, that’s fine. You ever post the results, occasionally fine. You take those quizzes constantly and post constantly and tell me why it’s so awesome… I hate you and everything about you. Unfriend as hard as possible.
At least that person leaves me alone unlike the poor fools sucked into the casual games. These people fall in love with this garbage spend too much time playing a boring game that forces you to either watch adverts (at best) or pay to win. What’s best is it builds in a mechanic that helps you if you sucker in friends. Go away.
Then there is the one that I was guilty of a few times. My secret shame, posting food pictures. Stop taking pictures and eat it. Those who post give me a bite or shut up. Also, weren't you on a diet? But that's fried fat with creamy fat sauce. Why are you showing twelve pictures of apricot fritters, donuts surrounded by ice cream (ice cream donuts!), cakes, fried everything, and a diet coke.
Or the easiest thing would be to stop going online. Or let it go and stop complaining. Dudes who complain about everything are just…
And that concludes my list of assholes for today.