Before I tell you some of the hush-hush secret things I’m working on and the great products we’ll be offering I felt it incumbent upon me to explain why I’m undertaking this responsibility of telling other adults how to live and why they’re wrong in what they’re doing now. It came upon me as I was sweating majestically in the mystic lodge high in the mountains of Argentina (while Peru has more mountains their spiritual energy simply doesn’t have the gravitas and “life definingness” of Argentina) and a small child was fanning me and another was spooning my whipped lemon ricotta soy cleanse into my mouth. I came out of my pose, chakras tingling, and informed my yogi that I could see my path laid out in front of me, shimmering and bright. He mumbled unintelligently and smiled toothily at me. I left the lodge, carried by more children from the local village dressed in splendid white. They had the gall to look me directly in my eyes but I ignored the insult as I glowed in the moment of true understanding and oneness. After my one o’clock coffee ground wrap and three o’clock yogurt massage and my four o’clock purge I had one of the village children take dictation. Thinking back now it is entirely possible there were only two children at the resort but I had forgotten their names and it became uncomfortable to think about so I simply gestured for my needs. As I relaxed in the recently built infinity pool I felt the nervous energy vibrate through me. I would help so many people. For some reason, and I don’t quite know why, people can’t scrounge up the measly twenty thousand for the spiritual retreat. Honestly, it’s such a paltry sum when it can influence your oneness. Obviously there is nothing more important than your oneness. I pulled away my ruby encrusted smart phone and called my wife.
The next week I purchased the domain and began cultivating the items to sell to my loyal audience. Here are some of the products we’ll be offering.
Current launch product line:
Miracle tea enema to draw out toxins – $35.99
This tea packet of carefully chosen green tea buds expertly picked in Cambodia is designed to draw out dangerous toxins through your colon. Purchase includes two silk tea bags, a decorative pouch, and a silk glove to keep your fingers clean for placement.
Probiotic miracle powder – $42.25
Our gut bacteria is a rich and diverse battleground waging war everyday. Enter this fray like a proud Valkyrie warrior and assault your stomach with “proven” bacteria to show your body who’s boss. Available in greenberry, vanilla, and vegan chocolate flavors to mix with your favorite smoothie.
Dick cream – $52.75
There’s face cream, body lotion, and fur oil. Now there is my miraculous dick cream to make sure your Johnson is lovingly smooth and maintained. Each five ounce jar is comprised of 10 percent ambergris and other natural ingredients guaranteed to make you stand up in appreciation.
Asshole bleaching wand – $47.99
Showing any bodily flaws is generally frowned upon even in this atmosphere of body positivity so why not feel bad about even more parts of your anatomy? This wand will help you self-rectify any unsightly blemish to your posterior to enhance your outer beauty. Especially helpful to cover pesky tea stains.
Photoshop (for editing your selfies) – $120 for a yearly subscription
Sick of constantly reshooting selfies for better light, or finding that perfect angle that ignores your imperfections? Ignore embracing your flaws and instead embrace technological superiority.
Sloggoth spiritual cane to ward off the dark terror Tero’ogh’tttoa the unknowable – $4,299.99
Ornate carved wood from the bark of Yggdrasil. Ivory handle and gold inlay for style points. Blessed by local shaman under the guidance of Ormazd. Mahogany case sold separately.
Ginger candies – $24.99
Candied ginger, iIt’s great for the digestive system. Just the right amount of crunch and loved by nana’s everywhere.
Tibetan cloud ascending raiment - $745.99
Knitted by hand from elderly monks these one of a kind cloaks slowly unravel over time to remind us of our impermanence. Average life expectancy is around two weeks. Sizes available: extra double small to medium.
Glacial cubes – $ 75.99
Water from the purest mountain springs carried down to special collection pools by antique wooden buckets. Frozen into irregular spheres and hand packed into single wrappers. Guaranteed to impress even the most erudite cocktail guests.
Vagina glitter – $ 24.99
Purple, pink, and rose colored dainty confetti specially crafted for your nether regions. Recommended to be removed before coitus unless that’s your kink.
While waiting for my website to finish you can shop at my inferior competitor here: http://goop.com/
First twenty five orders come with a free set of stickers that help align your energy to remove impure thoughts.