Thanksgiving, So American it Hurts

Thanksgiving is a holiday that could only exist in America.  This is patently obvious because, well, it does only exist in the united states.  The concept and celebration of the holiday could only exist here.  The holiday is a remembrance of when the fresh of the boat Europeans were graciously helped by the native peoples who lived here already.  They feasted together in show of communal spirit and brotherhood.  Then the Europeans repaid this debt by stealing and decimated those that helped them.  They showed no mercy for the people who altruistically made sure they survived.  No good deed goes unpunished evidently.  Woo!  America!

Currently we celebrate the feasting meal held by the natives and the Europeans as a day to recognize that which we are thankful for as well as the unity of men and women.  Nothing wrong with that.  We do this in the most American way possible.  We indulge and overindulge like only we can.  We put as many unhealthy things in front of us and shove it down our faces numb to the aching hole we are filling with food.  We cram this down ignoring our aching, blocked  arteries and scream for more pecan rolls.  Then we have the brilliant idea with spread butter on the pecan rolls because fuck it, it’s the Holidays and we convince ourselves we’ll start that diet next week.  The diet doesn’t come and we cry into the pumpkin pie tomorrow.

Ok, forgive the bleakness.  Maybe that was an exaggeration.  Except for the butter on pecan rolls.  My brother totally did that.  I encouraged him.  Also pecan rolls are my one weakness.  They best my self-control.  Well, okay it’s one of my multitude of weaknesses.  I love pecan rolls but we can’t be seen together my waist gave me the ultimatum. My pants size won.  I wish you a joyous journey with another person.  Hopefully they appreciate your gooey bounty as much as I.  I’ll never forget you…

This thanksgiving there wasn’t enough table to fit the massive amounts of food heaped in front of us.  We had an appetizer round that took up some of the table but the main course took up so much room we had to constantly shuffle things around.  Also when there are small children around and you’re the adult the things being said are totally different.  For instance, “can you fit this all your mouth,” kinda different.  Being a reasonably intelligent man I said nothing and held back my smirk and chuckles.  This was no small task.  I giggle like an idiot every time I hear a fart, simulated or otherwise.  Yes, I am a grown man with a big boy job but fart noise are funny and don’t you dare take it away from me.

Another reason why Thanksgiving is super American is the whole family dynamic.  Adi and myself split thanksgivings.  One year with my family the other with hers.  Totally different atmospheres.    Both Jewish, well educated suburbanites with a gay male in the family but still very different.  It reminds me of the constant culture clash and turnover in this country.  The traditional versus the non-traditional.  The generation issues become readily apparent.  It terrifies me that my generation will be running things soon.  I don’t think any of us quite expect to be adult anytime soon.  But time is looming.  I’m very  much at the adult table talking about politics and jobs and hiding my own in the conversation.  I don’t feel like an interloper and want to wander back to video games and frivolity.  But I digress on that point.  This is a time for family but it points out fractured and unified families at the same time.  Many people I know are making multiple trips.  Dinner with mom then sandwiches with dad.  And that’s just one side of the family.  The effects of divorce really become apparent now.

I don’t know if Thanksgiving is as much of a drinking holiday as other but we’re in America and we are good at turning most holidays into excuses for drinking, eating and shopping.  Thanksgiving is very much about food and shopping.  I’ve been getting emails non-stop from various stores enticing me with early pre black friday deals, online specials, extended deals and all manner of consumer enticement.  I like buying stuff.  It’s part of being American.  We have a need to buy things we don’t need.  It’s part of the reason why I think we say we are thankful for certain things like family and friends but we’re really thankful for the 50 inch LCD hanging on the wall.  We worship at the altar of the shiny new iWhatever (patent pending).  I can only complain so much on this as my wife is out shopping while I mind dump these thoughts onto the page.  I know she enjoys this family bonding time so I encouraged her to buy herself something frivolous with my credit card.  I don’t entirely regret this decision.

So we have multiple version of consumption (food, alcohol, buying stuff) but we also have perhaps now the most American of sports playing prominently: football.  You could argue that baseball is more American but fuck you.  Baseball is all about patience and statistics.  Football is all trench warfare.  It’s more violent than baseball (‘Murika), it has dancing half naked women (‘MURIKA) and the biggest event for football, it’s raging culmination, is half about the stupid commercials selling you crap (MERIKAH!!!).

The only way thanksgiving could be any more American is if it stole the explosions from the fourth of July and got into a bar fight afterwards.  I would call it Thanksplosions.  That’s my word so don’t go using it without permission.

Ben

Greed isn't Good

One of the many problems from the 80’s is, sadly, that people did not really understand that Gordon Gecko was living breathing reflection of that is wrong with corporate greed.  Greed is good became a lifestyle.  People actually started acting like that fictional character more and that it acceptable.  It sometimes astounds me how farce and ridicule can be taken seriously.  There are people who think Colbert’s buffoonery is reality and that he isn’t mocking the far right.  This saddens me.  It’s not that I think people are growing less intelligent or are gradually becoming numb to subtlety and nuance because that isn’t true.  Perhaps the best literary example of satire – A modest Proposal – was not immediately regarding as harsh criticism.  That’s even more depressing to think that someone could believe eating poor children to stave off starvation and create population control within Ireland was anything but jaded humor pointed directly at the cold hearts of the England elite who oppressed the country and also those who didn’t have power but stood around and let the monstrosity of Irish oppression continue.

This greed is good mentality very much exist today.  America as a country, above all else, worships wealth.  Those who have money are deemed better than those who don’t regardless of merit or any other versions of worth.  I know I am not above criticism in this regard.  While I do enjoy money I know it isn’t as important as quite a few other things.  Of course, there is exceptions.  Money isn’t important after a certain point but before that point its real goddamn important.  Where I’m at money is occasionally tight but I’m comfortable.  I have a house, a car – albeit one held together by duct tape and prayer – and enough left over to be able to pursue a decent amount of leisure activity without worrying.  Make things tighter and put me behind the eight ball then money isn’t so superfluous or less important than being happy.  Yeah, happiness is important but eating is more important than that.

I am close enough to various lifestyle that I can understand them.  I think however there are those who are so removed from normal society, either morally or simply socially, that they have little to no understanding of how most people live.  This brings me to the rage and backlash hitting CEO’s recently.  I am rather amused that these wealthy individuals think their stances and claims are backed up by anything other than greed.  Yes, a CEO has a responsibility to his or her company in keeping it profitable.  This does not, however, mean it is acceptable behavior to throw a bitch fit when government regulations are set in place to protect lower wage workers from economic tyranny.

Many years before I was born it was normal to get  a job at a company and work there until retirement.  You’d start at the mail room and work your way up over the course of forty years to a respectable position and retire on a nice pension.  It was understood that with patience, hard work, luck and at least some quantity of brain power anyone could achieve this.  Well, any man that is.  Women’s roles have changed considerably and there are more women in places of power but the balance has yet to shift.  We still need a bit more of racial equality among the top echelons of business structure but with boy’s club politics and who you know being as important or more than important than what you know it’ll take awhile before that is righted as well.  But those times are gone.  In the seventies companies started firing people before pension was up so they wouldn’t have to pay it all out.  With companies growing disregard for the well being of employees growing it soon became apparent to employees they had options and the best method for promotion was getting a new job not fighting upstream like a salmon avoiding the bears.  I’ve changed companies multiple time.  Within the past eight or so years I’ve worked at five different companies.  I’m reasonably happy where I am and I constantly fight to keep recognition and move up.  I know if I didn’t I’d be overlooked and ignored.  I’d rather not jump ship just to get a higher payroll.

With Obama winning the election several CEO’s have outed themselves as nothing more than giant gaping assholes.  Look at Papa John’s CEO or Applebees’, or Aetna’s or even Hostess.  After the election some of these drains on society had the nerve to say that the additional cost for helping employees should immediate be baked into the product price.  Yeah, fuck that.  Maybe I don’t know slash something else in the budget.  I didn’t hear this level of bitching during the oil price hikes which surely affect every business.  Gas price increases which affect food delivery trucks and everything within the food business.  Suddenly food order for local restaurant are more expensive.  This is a legitimate reason to increase price that shouldn’t be met with scorn.  Also no one bitched publicly about it.  But paying more money to provide for your employees?  They act like this is raping the constitution.  Hint, it’s not.  America was founded on several principles none of which were hey let’s fuck over the poor.  We rebelled because of taxation without representation, among other things.  Yet these entitled individuals think it acceptable to rage out when we remind them hey pay you’re goddamn people and provide a real service and not price gouge.

Here’s a few articles to look at if you don’t mind your blood pressure raising a few points (I had more links but I can’t find all of them):

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/applebees-backlash_n_2118231.html?utm_hp_ref=small-business

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/11/15/1161877/-My-twitter-message-to-Aetna-s-CEO-or-suffering-can-be-a-2-way-street-Mr-Bertolini?detail=hide

http://www.aflcio.org/Blog/Corporate-Greed/BCTGM-President-Frank-Hurt-Hostess-Demise-a-Decade-in-the-Making

It just upsets me that these privileged few either just don’t care about the vast majority of people, which essentially makes them evil, or that they are so insulated that they really don’t understand what it’s like to be anything but wealthy, which essentially makes them pathetic.  I’m unsure where I heard this quote but it sums up these corporate abominations rather well, “Born with a silver foot in their mouth.”  I may be butchering the quote but the premise is solid.  There are people out there who have no concept of struggling for money.  No understanding of being nervous about paying the bills, about seeing halfway through the month you need to stop spending already but you’re not sure how you’ll eat the rest of the month.  I just hope the dam has broken and this kind of behavior is punished.  Thre has been quite a bit of internet rage with companies, or specifically elite individuals associated with companies making disparaging remarks and then two camps forming.  Looks at what happened with Chik-Fila.  Good food for a fast food places but owned by absolute fanatics who are filled with hate and vitriol.  Yet there are a ton of people working there who would be affected by the boycott.  A company is not a reflection of just that one person up at the top.  It’s a group.  While I always applaud voting with your wallet and supporting good business it isn’t always the best decision.

So what can be done besides public outcry and boycotts.  Well, you can support politicians who actually stand up to bullshit.  I’m super excited that Elizabeth Warren won the election in Massachusetts  She looks to be Ralph Nader without all the smugness or douchebaggery.  Or you could instead of boycotting try to support businesses that don’t act like dickheads.  I bet if Aetna saw people flocking away in droves they’d do something about it.  With the exception of cable companies it’s reasonably effective to do this tactic.  These people would rather pay out the money just to keep customers.  It’s not such a firm believe they’d torpedo the company.  But seriously, fuck that Papa John’s guy.  He can kiss my ass.  I can get better pizza at a local place.

Ben

The Writer's Journey

Every once and a while I see people take up the mantle of writer.  They proudly proclaim their intent to write a novel or blog or something along these lines and my first reaction is always the same.  Smugly I think, “what can they possibly write about that anyone would care for and how will they do this feat?” They can hardly speak without tripping on their own tongue, won’t presenting their words indelibly presented for all time simply shatter them when people inevitably speak ill of their choice.”  Then I tell myself not to be such an asshole.

I have this initial moment of schadenfreaude because I know what happens I know the path they’re taking before they do.  I’ve been writing off and on for fifteen years.  I have enough experience to know the stupid mistakes they’ll make.  Then I force myself to remember I know these mistakes because, well, I made them.  I remember writing without a plan, without an outline, naively thinking it’ll come together in the end.  It’ll be more fresh and exciting this way I would rationalize.  I’ll get bored if I know what happens.  Then I look back over the older work and wonder what was I thinking.  Where was the rhythm of the text?  Where was the pacing?  The tension, the depth, the mood?  But fucking up is part of the process.  You make mistakes and then eventually you stop making them.  It’s the same for anything else.  You can’t teach experience.

Writing is a bit more special than other hobbies, at least I think so.  It’s so private and insular you can hide behind certain veneers.  You can say, “It’s only for me. My writing doesn’t need to be judged.  I only write for myself.”  Yet you truly crave the acceptance and adulation of your peers.  Or you can hold onto something and never let eyes touch it.  It’s so fragile that it will crumble under the scrutiny.  You see this spark of an idea and you carefully bring it to full roar, taking time to feed it properly and nurture it along.  It is difficult to allow another person to see your work.  You know how it should be seen and interpreted and you know it’s good.  You feel it resonate deep within you.  But it isn’t ready yet, just a few more revisions.  It jars the ego to allow something that reflects some much of yourself to be inspected, to be  held up to others without your involvement.  Then there is the fervent need to express.  Bundled up ideas all swimming in your mind just waiting to be put to paper.  You know they are magical and wondrous.  They defy convention and surpass the stale media we navigate through.  Your writing is art, all the other nonsense we surround ourselves with is drek, unfit for consumption.  Only your words will save the literate from such mediocrity.  Then you land back to equilibrium.  Maybe if I simply stop taking myself so seriously and find that part of me that simply loves doing this and invest in that things will be good.

So for now I struggle like I always have but I’m older and smarter and I think things through a bit more.  Probably far too much.  I analyze too far.  I let ideas play out in my mind countless times, I cajole a slightly different energy or felling  from this piece.  I write, then  rewrite.  I stare at the cursor, ever blinking, taunting me to fill the blank space.

So I think back to those who wish to write I smile and say I hope they do well but I hope they don’t expect success overnight.  I hope they stick with it and they shrug off my initial lack of faith.  Sometimes I prefer being proven wrong.  But enough about them let’s talk about my journey and where I’m going.  This is my blog anyway, it’s only right.  Fuck them for stealing my spotlight.  I need some god damn ego stroking…  Anyway, I find it inappropriate to judge others without placing some of yourself out there as well.  It seems too easy and disingenuous.  If I need that nonsense I’ll turn on some politically charged television and see the talking heads try to outshout each other as if volume alone can convince another person their chosen stance is incorrect.

I write this blog because I like to do it.  There isn’t much more ulterior motive.  I had, at one point, envisioned creating much more content and trying to maintain a website with this and other items but I decided that my free time, the little of it I had, was more important.  I needed to be happy more than pursue this to the full extent.  Oftentimes I feel conflicted in this regard.  I have the itch come and go.  I feel the need to throw myself into a fit of writing, hunching over the keyboard, my fingers aching as they felt the resistance of the keys.  Fortunately my posture at least has improved.  My love of writing has not diminished but my need to create has waned slightly.  I will always write because it me brings me joy but I don’t feel I need this one great work in order to validate myself or my many hours writing.

Not long ago I had several small projects taking up room in my head.  This is not unusual for me as my mind tends to go divergent paths and takes turns and wind up at unexpected places.  Somewhere in my development this was nurtured.  Recently I had a screenplay I was flushing out, this blog, a web comic I wanted to start, and several other stories running through my mind.  I would navigate between them writing on the piece I felt I had the motivation or idea to pursue.  It was silly dividing my focus in so many directions.  And yet I still managed to focus more on coming up with premises and ideas than actually writing.  It’s so much easier to come up with the concept than to actually sit down and tough it out.  Also once the words are placed and story is done it’s out there ready for scrutiny.  It’s also over.  That intensity.  That frenetic energy that comes with the process fades.  Yes there is a level of satisfaction with the work being completed but then comes that feeling.  What’s next my mind asks daring me, tempting me.

For now I’ve settled on a simple path.  Continue writing my blog when I have something worth saying.  Not forcing myself to write twice a week or even once a week.  Simply write because that’s what I enjoy.  Then to focus on one piece besides this and pursue it.  Flush out the outline.  Then begin filling it in.  Find the rhythm and the pacing and improve the little bits that start to stick out.  Ask myself what is the core element and what are the themes that should continue to run through the work.  Then dive into the characters really feel like they are living breathing creatures who take action not simply because it will move plot along but because that’s what this person would do.  If you know the person you know what would happen when placed in the circumstance.

The story I’ve chosen and the one I plan on documenting is reasonably simple.  Most pieces that involve fantasy or science fiction or any otherworldly not immediately relatable setting have a window into the world.  This window is a character as out of place as we are.  We are meant to experience this world through them.  They are our substitute.  Look at Hellboy.  They had that boring federal agent character the introduce us to the universe those characters inhabited.  They dropped him in the second incarnation as he was no longer necessary, or interesting.  It’s always the new guy who gets shown around.  News flash, they are showing us around.

My take isn’t so far off.  I plan on displacing some people from our reality and placing them in another.  But they have no guides not person to walk them through.  They are as clueless as we would be.  They are reasonably normal people in a very abnormal circumstance. On top of this I want to play the four, there are four displaced people, against each other as they have very different experiences and reactions to this displacement.  Some enjoy their new home and some don’t.  But the thing that got me excited about the idea is the thought of getting back home and trying to explain their experiences.  How does a rational person who was thrown into another reality and then returned, how do they tell people what happened?  Do they simply tell them truth knowing they’ll be thought mentally ill.  I don’t really know the answer to this and it excites me as a writer.  And hey, I’m only writing for myself anyway, right?

Ben

The Problem With Alcohol

Being vomited on can you get you thinking.  Usually about how you ended up in this situation.  Also, eww, I need a towel and a shower.  But it got me thinking as I sped down route nine home with three inebriates in the car that I’ve been here before and I thought I was done going back to this place.

Some history.  I like to drink.  I drank a lot when I was in college.  I actually never really drank before then.  It wasn’t because I was a good kid (I was but that isn’t why) it’s because I didn’t socialize a whole lot and I didn’t go out to those kinds of parties.  In college I drank a lot.  To excess and beyond.  I was driven to becoming good at it.  Not quite world champion of idiocy and drunken lyrics good but maybe like an alternate for the Olympic drinking team good.  I drank roughly every Friday at my friend Ryan’s place for a few years.  Then when I was out of college I drank near every day because I live in a city and in walking distance to bar on South Street, now closed (the bar not the street), who’s owner and bartenders I was friendly with.  So I became rather tolerant.  Of course over the course of the years I imbibed past those limits and ended up violently ill.  I got dehydrated and  put my head through a wall, I started arm wrestling matches, I drank out of shoes, I had adventures with chocolate sauce, danced on tables, played beer pong, vomited in several places including but limited to sinks, toilets, and buckets.  I have woken up confused in someone else’s bed with a different shirt on and dried puke in my ear.  I have felt the world spin with my eyes closed in such a way that should be impossible.  I have walked the dog during a party where I came to the realization that I could no longer walk upright well and just hoped the dog could figure out how to pull me in the right directions so I didn’t fall on the concrete.  I have also wandered the inner workings of Atlantic City and its garages hung over and tired getting more and more lost as I climbed down seemingly endless set of stairs that seemed to get dirtier and more sinister as I delved deeper down.  As if every step brought me closer to some lurking nightmare.  I half joked we might find pyramid head down there.  That particular night in Atlantic City I only recall how many places we drank at not how much.  Also I found out that even though it’s 24 hours of food in the casino you can’t have pizza at four o’clock in the morning because they won’t turn the ovens back on.

I have been fortunate never to seriously hurt myself when drinking.  I often had someone nurse me through the night in my worst moments.  I have been there to nurse others, walk people home, hold hair back or carry half limp bodies to bed.  The worst alcohol related story was told to me by my brother in the kitchen of my parents old house in Philadelphia.  This was of him wandering around Germany lost, paranoid, alone and half blind (his glasses were malfunctioning as a lens popped out).  I stood there enthralled and slightly disturbed.  Most of all I was shocked he was so candid in front of my mother who was visibly trying to hold it together.  I thought she might grab him and hold him close never to let him out of sight again after the story.

But I figured most of those actions were behind me now that I am older and wiser.   I don’t drink that much anymore.  This is partially because alcohol gets in the way of achieving my goal of super fitness, but also because it saves me money but, partially, because somewhere in the back of my mind I thought maybe I had problem.   Perhaps I did not have a problem but I certainly didn’t need to drink as much and toning it down couldn’t hurt.

I think one of the problems with alcohol is endemic to Americans.  I think it pairs our love of excess, our innate thirst for competition and also our culture of taboo.  Our drinking age and rules and regulation only make alcohol sexier and more enticing.  Once we are able to get our hands on it after waiting twenty one years we binge.  From what I’ve heard and read binge drinking equates to having five or more drinks per outing.  I’ve had more than five drinks in an hour.  Which of course brings up back to whole competition point.  I’ve had friends who seemed more intent to tell me how much they drank than any other news.  The hot girl in the corner in the micro mini much was less important than a giving a detailed run down of everything you drank.  Hearing “I’m so wasted” gives me vivid flashbacks to certain douche bags in college.

I think there is also this allure, this worship of booze.  We don’t just admire the drink and the drinker but we admire the person who can drink the most.  How many movies have people in drinking contests?  Even Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc introduces out heroine Marion Ravenwood though a drinking competition as she defeats a much larger man by downing countless shots.  This was a particularly handy skill used later to try and trick Belloq.  Alcohol is treated with an odd mix of respect and taboo.  We disapprove of alcoholics but people in sitcoms who spend every episode at a bar are okay.  But I digress.

Back to last weekend.  **Note, sadly this part of the story is now redacted as those involved are upset with my candor.  Aggravating, perhaps, but not worth tantrums or fights.  So I chose to the censure the post to spare their feelings.  But seeing as I am doing this I can certainly have the last word.  If you can't face the consequences of your actions don't commit the actions.  You can't be upset at the truth.  Well, you can but it's nobody's fault but your own.  But a quick recap is this don't be in your thirties and drink like an idiot you'll make a fool of yourself and ruin the DD's night.**

So it leads me to thinking about alcohol when you are in your thirties.  And I feel like the answer was supplied by Lethal Weapon, “I’m too old for this shit.”

Ben

The Problem With Being Fit

A few days ago a friend of mine asked me a question that gave me pause.  I was explaining how I was going to take boxing class on Sundays and was fitting that into my workout regiment along with karate classes, p90x2 workouts and trying to jog once or twice a week.  I told him I wanted to get ripped essentially.  Then he asked why.  I was taken aback for a moment.  Why wouldn’t I?  It’s the goal of all people to be physically fit and in peak performance, just some of us want to be there but we choose not to devote the time or effort., right?  Then I thought a bit more.  Why am I really doing this?  Is it worth it all the time all the effort?  Am I doing it for me or just to fulfill some societal itch that’d fed down my throat by media and culture.

As per usual I over reflected, over thought and mulled it about in my head for longer than might be healthy.  It ate my mind and I had to put it to rest so I could sleep soundly.  That night as I walked Mac I spent most of the walk arguing with myself.  First I thought maybe I’m just doing this because when I was younger I was made fun of for having put on some weight.

I remember exactly when the weight happened, or rather when my attitude towards food changed.  It was during fifth grade and I started to pick up the bad habit from my friend Marten, the crosswalk ladies son.  He snacked incessantly.  They always had a Slim Jim or chips or something else.  Up until that point I simply ate when it was time to eat, there wasn’t really much more thought put into it.  I didn’t seek out food, save, of course, for the occasional cookie which I would either sneak or cajole out.  My childish brain figured out the best way to get cookies.  It was simple and, most importantly, it worked.  Mom was far more stringent, or rather actually adhered to the rules, whereas Dad caved.  A five year old is very aware of these facts and is ready to exploit them.  So I’d first ask mom for the cookie because she might say yes and then there was no need for childish subterfuge.   But if she said no I’d wait a while and sneak the cookie.  I’d run upstairs to Dad and ask him if he wanted one.  He’d say no.  Then I’d say well can I have one?  He’d say yes.  Obviously as an adult it was completely transparent plan but it worked.  I’m sure being a cute little person helped the matter.

The problem was Marten’s food habit rubbed off.  I started snacking.  I started looking for junk food.  I’d eat and not really stop.  I didn’t think about it so much I’d just have a bag in front of me and I’d probably finish it.  It didn’t help that I was rather picky about food for a long time.  My main food groups being spaghetti, chicken tenders, peanut butter sandwiches and grilled cheese.  But when I didn’t snack it was okay. I ran outside constantly and was a whirlwind of energy.  I was a twig.  Weight wasn’t something I thought about.  Then I started playing outside less and playing video games more.  I started snacking in front of the television.  The one good thing that came about was I slowly started to really enjoy food.  I expanded my eating menu.  I was still eating junk food too often but I could eat all manner of foods now.  I wasn’t quite adventurous in taste just yet but I getting there.  I think all Hochberg’s have a love of food that lies dormant within them.  A deep appreciation for good taste no matter if it means a great hot dog or a fine steak or coq a vin.  But even with growth and puberty the whole not exercising as much and eating a lot did not bode well for me.  So I gained weight.  Quite a bit of it.  Of course I started gaining weight at the worst possible time, middle school.  Also to top things off I moved right before sixth grade so I knew no one. I was the new kid and I was starting to get chubby.  For quite some time I had a love and shame relationship with food.  I hated being overweight but I was bad at eating well.  When I went to college it started to change.  Freshman year I dropped a lot of weight.  Partailly because the food sucked on campus but also because I didn’t have junk food in my dorm room.  I didn’t go the groceries every week and pick up snacks.  It’s normal at my house to have a full candy jar or cookie jar.  And most everyone in my family is good with it.  But I tend to forget what I’m doing and end up with pile of wrappers or crumbs in front of me and the feeling that I just ate and large unnecessary heaping of calories.  Around the end of sophomore year I starting hitting the gym reasonably regularly.  I was finally kind of skinny again.  We’re talking a difference of over 200 pounds to somewhere in the 160’s.  I’d use the metrics system for weight but my country is obvious still ass backwards in measurement systems (I heart you metric system and your logical progression and use of math).  But for the next decade or so my weight would fluctuate.  A lot.  One thing that really fucked up my progression was breaking my leg my junior year.  That halted my workout activities rather quickly.  So bit by bit I started gaining weight.  At first I thought my clothes shrunk and then I realized, nope I just gained 10 pounds.  Good job schmuck.  So on and on it went.  I’d lose the weight.  Relax let my eye off the ball and it would creep back.

During my honeymoon (just over two years ago now) I let myself eat whatever the hell I wanted during the vacation.  It was week in Hawaii and I intended on not having any cares.  Calorie counting would not be an issue.  Shortly after this I was back in the 190’s.  I was upset at myself as I had been trying hard for a while, dieting here and there, working out, even cutting back on drinking.  I went as far as to partake in the South Beach Diet when I worked at the bank (four to five year ago) and I was an even 170 then.  I think the South Beach Diet was invented purely to upset me and make me feel bad about my life choices.  This whole no carbohydrates thing is alien to me.  My family would have bread with every meal, regardless if it was pasta, rice or starchy meal.  There was always bread sitting in the middle of the dinner table at night.

Fast forward now and I’m about 168 with muscle.  I finally feel  somewhat good about my weight and it took a long time to get here.  I cut out alcohol entirely for a few months.  I generally don’t eat the kinds of food I want to.  I exercise a lot.  But it was my goal.  I wanted to show those assholes who made fun of me that I could be in better shape than them.  I wanted to have defined abs at thirty one.  I wanted to be skinny and look good.

It’s a major pain in the ass though.  To keep on going I have to put aside hours and hours very week and push off things I’d rather do like write, read, play video games, watch a movie.  I don’t go out to eat as much as I used to and that’s one of the things I love. The food channel is kind of my voyeurism now.  I watch salivating going man I’d love to eat that… but I won’t.

So I think is all this effort worth it?  Do people think better of you if you’re in shape?  Does it really matter?  Are we just influenced by media to find skinny good?  Our culture seems to worship sex and money; the image is more important than the substance.  Being pretty is more important than being smart.  Just look at politics and the rampant anti-intellectualism there to see what we as a country hold dear.  Sadly it miht not be appropriate to call on our politician’s stances are a popular representation of American culture or what it holds important.

This still leaves me with the thought why am I doing this?  Is it a pursuit of the ideal of handsome?  Is it simply to wash away the years of teasing?  Is it because I’m just a sheep?  The sheep idea has some merit in that we create a fetish around being skinny but yet we push the idea of food, essentially the antagonist of being in shape, as needing to bigger for cheaper.  Plus it’s cost prohibitive to eat healthy.  Go to the grocery and buy a bunch of junk food and some microwavable meals.  Check the bill.  Now buy fresh produce and meats.  Its fucking astonishing how expensive it is.  Also I live near some dangerous wonderful specialty stores that like to wallet rape me.  I walk into Fresh Market or the Meat House and hear the song from Gene Wilder version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Maybe I take things a little too far with fitness and place too much importance on it.  But it’s taken me years to regulate my eating habits and it’s a constant battle reminding myself not to sit down and just eat.  It doesn’t help that I’m always hungry.  Maybe it isn’t worth it.  Maybe I’m just obsessing.  But I guess I’m okay with that.  I’m going to hit my goal of being visibly defined at least for once in my life.  After that who knows.  Oh, and I fucking miss pizza.  I think I’ll have some of that after I get those abs.

Ben

The Problem with Poltics

The problem with politics, and it seems to apply very much to the United States specifically, is the sheer amount of obfuscation.  The important issues are consistently glossed over and the issues that raise ire and divide the populace are brought to light.  It angers me to the point of gnashing teeth and slight foaming that the race boils down to gay marriage, tax cuts for rich, and who’s health plan sucks less.  Apparently good health care, like that in most developed first world nations, is socialist and unhealthy.  Obviously letting one socialist operation while destroy this whole country.  Cough, cough, medicare, cough, sputter social security, cough, hack, unemployment and welfare.

Politics as it turns out simply boils down to two things.  Are you a selfish prick?  And do you want religious nutbags controlling more of what is allowed.

The Republican Party

My original title was going to be the problem with the republican party.  The reason I didn’t choose that title is because the problems with that party do not exist in a vacuum, they were not created without context and the whole system is at fault here.  I would term myself most likely liberal but I find the democratic party the lesser of two evils instead of the right or better choice.

Part of the reason why the republican party has had such a crisis of character as of late is because the whole power base of the right has shifted dramatically in the past generation.  Republicans simply used to be the man stereotyped as hawkish and conservative in values.  Their power base has shifted to two camps, the very wealthy and the religious right.  Quick note the very wealthy are on both sides.  The reason being is that politics are bought and sold.  Corporations and businesses buy favorable attitude and law.  It is legal bribery, cronyism and a whole bunch of other not so good things.

The reason why the religious right has taken over the once proud (I type that word hesitantly and with trepidation) party is twofold.  One is that people just don’t vote enough.  There is a frustrating hair pulling amount of citizens who take voting casually.  This is a right people have been denied,  We take it for granted this important freedom.  Or it is treated simply like a drop in a well and cast aside as if their vote is of no importance.  I view my vote as not simply a single drop in the direction of the candidate I choose but a single drop in verifying that yes my generation votes and wants to be taken seriously by politicians.  Why the hell should they care about us if we don’t participate?  Why should they bother dealing with people who don’t hold their fate at the booth when countless others do?  The religious right is organized and they vote.  They’ve been slowly trying to get a foothold into the republican party.  Bit by bit the party changed from conservative values to family values and morals.  As if liberal and democrats were all hippy drug users who hate the nuclear family and want God thrown out of the home so they can enjoy their orgies.  But it’s hard to enjoy to an orgy if God is constantly watching… but I digress.

The other reason they have taken over is the religious right, or rather the religious extreme, has no sense of compromise.  Why should they compromise when they view their entire tenure as politician as a mandate.  There job is simple another arm of proselytizing or spreading the word.  This uncompromising view has taken over the party and forced moderates and rational individuals who joined the party for different reason to temper their views to this shifting base.  The republican party has abandoned its true self and moved towards this other ideal.

The Democratic Party

We have to be fair in our bashing.  To be fair it would be correct to label democrats as blowhards, self-righteous douche bags, hypocrites, weaklings, cry-babys, do nothings, bleeding hearts and a bunch of other stuff I don’t have time to type.  President Clinton is probably the best example of a democratic President in a long while.  But he will always be marred for his moral indiscretion.  People will always make excuses for him because he is charming and intelligent and generally did a good job (save for continuing the trend to allowing breaks for big business which has not done so well for us).  But as the President he should have been the example of the best of us.  It’s a tough responsibility and he is just a man but tough shit.  Millions of people keep their junk in their pants when presented an opportunity.  He should have too.

Also there is John Kerry who fucked up so bad it hurts.  All he had to do was shut up and smile and say I’m not Bush and he could have won.  But the fucker had to keep speaking.  Why the fuck do Democrats have verbal diarrhea?  Just shut the hell up after you made a point and stop being smug.  No one gives s hit if you’re right when you’re an asshole.  I just want to roll up a newspaper and whack them on them nose and say ‘No, bad.  No, stop it.”.

Healthcare

There is an enormous problem with healthcare.  The first thing is its fucking expensive.  If you insurance lapses and you happen to get into an accident you might as well just sell some organs because you are now in crushing debt.  And not a few hundred dollars.  We are talking tens of thousands.  We punish the poor in this country.  Charity tends to disappear when it touches money.  It’s great to help out others but don’t touch my fucking money or I’ll cut you.  It’s kind of like N.I.M.B.Y. but more violent.  (Not In My Back Yard).  Right now my wife and I are DINKS, another stupid acronym meaning double income no kids.  It’s fucking awesome.  We have a house we can make comfortable payments on and life is pretty good.  We both have decent jobs, various important insurance and some money left over.  We’re reasonably okay if some financial crisis hits.  But we’re not the norm.   Just changing one of those factors screws up the equation.  Kids fuck up everything.  It’s certainly not their fault.  But they are hideously expensive and chew up all your free time.  Being without insurance (health, car or otherwise) is like a ticking time bomb.  You never know when it will go off but your racing to see if you’ll have enough money for protection before it does.  A few months after I got placed onto my wife’s health insurance I passed out from dehydration and slammed my ribs on a beverage cart on an airplane.  I had to spend a day in the hospital in Houston.  Even though I told them it was dehydration they insisted on tests, hospitals tend to do that with the whole being allergic to lawsuits things, and I am extremely glad I got out of there only needing to pay a few hundred dollars.

Everyone gets sick and without a decent plan its basically another fuck you to poor people.  If you can’t pay money every month you don’t deserve to get good care.  You don’t deserve to stay healthy.  Anytime someone argue for abolishing affordable healthcare or government stipends, or goodness universal healthcare, they are saying they don’t give a shit if poor people get sick and can’t get help.  We as American’s seem to think it’s like a black mark to be poor.  That you’ve done something wrong if you haven’t made it.  My generation and everyone one anteceding it will bear this cross.  Why?  Because of crippling student debt – you need a college degree for any starting job and tuition cost have increased far more than inflation or, more importantly, their worth – an oversaturated market and convenient acceptance in the culture for business to treat employees like cattle.

Gay Marriage

Why is gay marriage even an issue?  Denying people these rights is spitting in the face of the equal rights movement and progression.  Those who are in the way are simply hate mongers.  What affects the sanctity of marriage are shitty marriages.  And sanctity a word which talks about holiness is not one that should have anything to do with politics.  Religion has no place in politics.  But if you want to argue in that manner the supporting argument is in Leviticus which primarily deals with property and it could be interpreted to be that men should not treat other men as they would women (who are property).

Who does gay marriage affect, people?  You can’t outlaw being gay (some countries have but they are not the kind of places we should be mimicking) so why only focus on marriage.  Denying marriage won’t stop people from being gay.  It’ll simply piss them off and deny them things like better taxes and all the other help given to families (like shared healthcare).

Then there is the epitome of stupid, the argument that allowing gay marriage will allow unconventional marriages like a dude and a horse.  For one things you’re an idiot.  For another have you met a horse?  If you start have relations with a horse and they don’t want that to continue you’re going to the hospital.

Stop being stupid and just let this go.  Don’t politicize your hatred.  It’s un-evolved to hate people in this manner.

Taxes

Tax break for the rich is so stupid it hurts.  Trickledown economics would have you believe that people up top with plenty of money should be taxed less as they will put it back into the economy and it will trickle down to everyone else.  This isn’t just condescending treating everyone like dogs waiting for scraps but outlandishly stupid if you believe it be true.  Wealthy people are great at staying wealthy.  There is nothing wrong about this.  Honestly, I’d be okay with tax breaks if we closed up all the loopholes so they actually paid what they were supposed to instead of closer to 9 percent or so.  I don’t think you should be punished for being wealthy but it seems the more money you have the easier it is to hide it, classify it differently or declare losses.  Of course this is not simply the method of the wealthy as there are tax cheats at every level.  But the five thousand skimped by one individual is dwarfed by those who trim off millions of tax debt.

Oh and can we for fucks sake just honestly tell people what the tax plan is.  Stop saying you’ll close tax loops and trim the budget show what you’ll do.  If you’re hiding something it’s for a reason and generally one that isn’t good.

Offshore Drilling

Have we not learned from our mistakes?  Big oil fucks up the environment.  They charge us through the nose (though other countries pay more) and they deny wrongdoings.  Why reward these immoral soulless monsters.  They pay to keep renewable energy sources unfunded.  The only way to a method or source to be adopted is through government funding.  That how the other energy sources came into being.  But fuck that let’s give these assholes more places to pollute and violate.  Screw you clean renewable energy I’m an American and we like our oil.

Terrorism

Yup, I went there.  Terrorism should not be a political issue.  Everyone agrees it's bad and that there is a handful of very dangerous, very angry people out there.  We are not the only country who has been hurt by terrorists.  More than the deaths, it wounded American pride and made us feel unsafe.  For this we have willingly given up essential freedoms and rights to bad people within our own country who should be protecting those rights not exploiting them.  There are many who espouse smaller government, decreased spending and much of that rhetoric but still insist on funding the military industrial complex (which saps away the money that could be used for say education or healthcare or building bridges that won’t fall down) as well as supporting bills that increases the ability of the government to spy, monitor, track, profile and peruse any all private data you have.  Lack of privacy is the issue that no one seems to be talking about and it’s critical, more today than ever, with our connected communities.  With everything happening though keyboards data integrity and security is paramount.  But throw a few boogey men (very real very scary boogey men) and we roll over and give up.

Religion

Faith is just fine be me.  I respect anyone with these convictions.  But I have a few problems with various institutions.  Like the whole you’re going to hell for not agreeing with me thing.  But mostly I take issue with the fact that religion has been a front for the suppression of scientific thought and learning, the acceptance of hatred of those not like yourself, treating anything else as inferior, and the lack of charity.  Charity is not spreading the word of faith.  Charity is feeding people.  Charity is giving up you world possessions and wandering to help others.

Why the fuck aren’t religious institutions taxed.  Millions of dollars, rare priceless art adorn the halls f religious institutions and not a penny goes to the government.  They are using all the benefits of living in their various countries without helping the country out.

There are many good caring people with strong faith.  Many who let their moral compass determine what is right not a book or religious leader.  But these are the people whose voices are drowned out by their vile cousins who give a black eye to religion.

But what agitates me is religion involving itself in politics.  This country was not founded under God, it was founded under men, imperfect but intelligent men.  This country was founded by those who fled religious persecution.  We are not a nation of one religion but of many.  Faith may make us strong but it will never strengthen the government; not when so many people would pervert it to their whims.

Criticism and neo-McCarthyism

Why the hell does it seem like every time someone criticizes the government they are labeled as anti-American or communist or liberal?  Why can’t I criticize something I love that I want to be better.  Am I not allowed to say bad things about any of my Presidents or only about some.  I count myself as left leaning but I do not hate W Bush.  I find that he has many qualities as a man that admirable.  I thought he was a shit President and I could not believe the backlash against those who voiced criticism.  McCarthyism is gone but remnants still exist.  It worked once the fear and paranoia fueling such violent vitriol.  The speak out against it was to be un-American.  I hate that term.

But, as always, these are only my opinions and I’ll keep them until someone can prove me wrong.  Because I’d rather be correct than right.  Something that is most definitely lacking in our politicians.

There are countless other things that piss me off about politics but if I keep typing I’ll up my blood pressure.  So I’ll leave you with the rant as it is.

Ben

The Problem With Healthcare

It used to be, or so it seemed, there were only two or three problems with healthcare.  Those being lawyers, doctors and HMO’s.  This seems to be me both narrow minded and incorrect.  I never quite understood all the hate directed at lawyers.  The main reason being that my father is one and he is an honest and good man so naturally my impression of lawyers is colored by this.  I also know quite a few scum of the earth lawyers who represent every aspect of the bad stereotypes labeled to a proud profession which has been around since antiquity.  But lawyers aren’t the problem with health care.  You might argue, fairly, that lawsuits drive up insurance costs.  I am not arguing that point as I don’t have enough knowledge on the matter.  What I do argue is that lawyers are the cause.  No the cause is stupid people throwing lawsuits around.  Can you blame a lawyer for taking a case he knows isn’t good?  Well, yes to an extent, but with the amount of lawyers on the market now (we are oversaturated with people who went through many years of costly education) it is little wonder lawyers don’t refuse.  Why should they suffer when someone willingly pays?  The cause of the fruitless lawsuit does not lie with the lawyer but rather with the person suing.  But there are plenty of medical malpractice cases out there that are very legitimate.  You would be surprised at the incompetence of ‘some’ doctors.  And if we expect about two percent of all doctors to be idiots that is a lot of a possibility for something to go wrong.  And remember you could be being operated on by someone with a c average.  The amount of egregious mistakes befallen patients due to overwhelming incompetence is rather scary.  I’m taking about a person having the wrong limb amputated kind of bad.  But you might say well if I make a mistake at work I’m not sued. Well you’re right but you making a mistake doesn’t kill someone or ruin their life.  These people did choose to be doctors.  And they aren’t paying for their mistakes the insurance company and the hospital is.  That’s why doctors pay those enormous malpractice fees and insurances that eat of a big chunk of their paycheck.  The paycheck that goes towards the many, many years of education they have to pay for.

But honestly the thing that causes bad mistakes isn’t really the doctors it’s the shitty conditions they work.  Who the fuck works a forty hours shift.  Yeah, you get a nap here and there but that’s  whole damn work week  in one shift.  I pulled hundred hours weeks when I managed a restaurant and lost about ten pounds in a week.  I also think I permanently lost a  bit of my sanity but that’s another issue altogether.  It is not a healthy way to live and it isn’t conducive to making rational well thought decisions.  I want the guy who operates on me when I come into the ER to be fresh and able to react with lightning reflexes not so pumped full of coffee they are jittery and agitated.  But this isn’t by the doctor’s choice - it’s the hospital, the administration and the general culture of industry at fault.  The argument regarding the HMO being at fault is only partly true.  A business has an obligation to be profitable.  Some businesses have higher moral standards when it comes to the means when leveraging profit.  HMO’s tend to suffer no such moral quagmires.  They are rarely punished for it so why should they change their behavior just because people complain and point fingers does nothing to stop their actions.  It is an industry wide problem and quite frankly they don’t give a shit.  I could be jaded and say they pay off politicians who turn a blind eye to their nonsense.  I could say the whole thing is a game of numbers and statistics and they simple don’t see a human life as nothing more than a margin.  Well, I just did say that but anyway…  My issue with healthcare lies more with the culture, the administration and as per usual our political system.

Healthcare is expensive.  And there is good right to this.  It involves a whole team of highly skilled people to run facilities.  Also we have a lot of old people for some reason we don’t really want to die.  Old people shouldn’t be neglected but they eat up a huge chunk of the healthcare budget.  The cost to hospitals to provide free care or cheap care in emergency rooms, because regardless of insurance they aren’t turning people away, or care based on Medicare and Medicaid must be made up somewhere else.  Other countries have free healthcare but higher taxes.  Other countries also have free higher education (which would fix an enormous amount of financial crisis for countless young people, can you imagine being able to go to college for free, at this point A’s would be earned and people who don’t apply themselves wouldn’t be socially passed but enough on that for now).  So healthcare is expensive because of this whole treating everyone thing.  Makes sense.  We won’t have free health care any time soon because people don’t like paying higher taxes or, you know, the whole being charitable thing.  I don’t blame people for disliking higher taxes.  I don’t blame people for being against cheap healthcare.  Being without insurance can be a ticking time bomb.  Getting injured can ruin your life with debt.

One of my problems is the backwards notion of the industry.  There will always be sick people and a need for health and yet this industry is constantly behind in terms of tech adoption and other normal practices.  Why?  There is an enormous mound of red tape and bullshit surrounding healthcare.  I won’t blast things like HIPAA because honestly I like the whole patient privacy policies.  I like my private medical data being kept private.  I like quite a few of the tenets of the health care professions as well with ‘do no harm’ and the rest of the Hippocratic oath being up there as of significant examples of proper ethics and behavior.  But there are certain policies and best practices that simply anger me to a point of gnawing on my shield of righteousness.

One such thing is mecial supply companies squashing innovation for profit.  The problem with this besides its ugly business practice (but sadly common in the cutthroat business world) is that squashing such competition negatively affects people’s health.  The problem in this part of the industry is there are a few really big medical suppliers and they have the ability to dictate price.  Or they did.  Hospitals realizing they could combat these inflated prices or demands – you want these MRI machine at this price you have to buy all your needles from us  – grouped together to purchase larger bulk quantities at better prices.  The formed GPOs  or Group Purchasing Organizations.  They originally had the well being of the hospitals in mind and helped keep cost down from the big bad suppliers.  They were also non-profit.  Notice that use of the word were.  It changed  quite drastically and the GPO’s starting doing things like charging entry fees to hospitals (they guys who helped create the formally non-profit entities) and forcing them to buy only from certain suppliers.  Instead of helping they were now locking in hospitals to only certain suppliers they were also making profit on this.  Hooray capitalism!  So a great idea turned t shit by some greedy pricks essentially to put it in base terms.  These GPO’s now work against small unique companies with innovations and keep them out of the market.  Like retractable syringes that can cut down on infections that kill countless lives.*

I could blame politicians here but there has been quite a few pieces of legislation to try and adjust the practices.  But people tend to bend the truth and later facts enough so that decisions that lok questionable (and are) and made to seem just plausible enough to avoid real scrutiny.

Oh well, it’s not like these fuckers are getting rich off of hurting people…

Ben

*http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/features/2010/1007.blake.html