Romantic Comedies Suck

Romantic comedies are awful.  Romance films without the genre blend are even worse.  I’m not bashing romance or the idea of romance; in fact I think romantic comedies do immense harm to idea of proper romance.  The problem with romantic comedies is that they end.  Now this is, in general, is a very stupid argument against a piece of fiction.  Stories without endings are mostly viewed as... not so good.  We crave some manner of closure.  Especially when we are invested in the story.  Just recently Bioware announced they are adding free DLC to the third installment of Mass Effect due to player outrage over the ending not having enough closure.  These people have been playing the interactive story for years and they were furious.  I could hear the collective dark denizens of the internet seething with impotent rage.  But with romantic comedies the ending comes when the boy wins the girl.  Being a narrative piece there is generally some obstacle to the two being together.  Otherwise it’s a pretty fast fucking movie.  “Hey you wanna go out?”  “Sure.” “Ok.”  Mandatory sex scene.  Roll credits…  actually I think I just described porn… moving along.  Normally the girl shuns the boy and he woes her back or gains her affection somehow.  It is usually set up as the man being the conqueror and the woman finally relenting/submitting.  There are cases of the woman being the aggressor but it isn’t nearly as common.  But with the normal arc of the story the hero overcomes the reason he was rejected in the first place.  It isn’t necessarily solved it's just overcome.  Looking down the line into the future we see nothing but pain and misery for the new couple.  They won’t make it.  It will end horribly and one or both of them will be unhappy.  Depressing shit.  But it’s the fucking movies fault.  To create dramatic tension they put two characters together who should not be together but through some inexorable circumstances they are drawn together.  They get over their bullshit for a short time and then it’s over.  But the underlying reason for their differences will inevitably pry them apart.

A good chunk of the romantic comedies treat dating as a competitive sport.  Then there are others where they force one partner to change.  Like a lot.  And major life changes against your will to satisfy your partner never breeds contempt.  Sarcasm!

Ever see a movie with a slacker who is happy being lazy, half unemployed and wasting his life.  But the only way he can win at life and get the girl is to miraculously get a good job near the end of the film and turn his life around.  Firstly, it presumes it is easy to get a new job after years of laziness.  Like this guy is some savant and his years of not so much experience will be ignored on the resume.  “I see you have five years in agriculture Mr. Johnston, what was that exactly?”  “Weed, mostly a lot of weed.  So I guess that counts as sales, right?”  Long pause. “We’ll call you.”  Awkward handshake and delayed exit.  End scene.  Remember that movie Big Daddy with Adam Sandler?  He goes from irresponsible and criminal behavior to being a god damn lawyer.  Oh yeah, that twenty seconds of exposition about law school really keeps the logic train on its tracks.  Hint, not so much.

Romantic comedies tend to have this air of 'impossible is possible' bullshit about them.  Which I guess makes sense in the genre.  It’s romantic to think that out of the million people you one and only found you.  But the star crossed lover nonsense leads to thoughts of predestination and that seems like no fun whatsoever.

So it’s silly and full of plot holes and maybe might create a few bad relationships but where is the real harm?  I’ll tell you if you stop being so damn pushy and wait a minute.

I saw a commercial for a new romantic comedy and normally I simply ignore it and file away in the part of my brain that I hate and need to punish.  Now, falling in love with a picture is not normal and not romantic.  The problem is film audiences don’t know that.  Just looking at the commercial for The Lucky One a solider falls in love with a photograph then meets the person behind the photograph and woes her.  The problem with this should be obvious.  So one of our soldiers overseas discovers a photograph while in the war zone and then falls in love with the women in the picture.  Then a courtship follows.  Well actually we didn’t see a courtship we just see this fucking stranger show up and a lot of making out and showering together.  The problem normally with things like this is he didn’t fall in love with that woman in the war zone.  He fell in love with the idea of the woman.  He fell in love with the photo.  And that is not the same.  That is not a healthy start to a relationship.

If you are curious why that’s true watch Vertigo.  James Stewart falls in love with a woman but not really.  He falls in love with her look, her image.  The person he fell in love with dies to his knowledge.  She didn’t but he is made to believe so.  He then sees the woman again but all wrong or at least all wrong for that image he craved.  She isn’t done up with makeup, fancy hair, the right dress or jewelry.  As they begin the courtship anew he forces her to change to that image and because the poor woman actually is in love with him she relents and lets it happen.  The person who she isn’t and only pretended to be is who is in love with.  It is so full with fetish to be a new level of scary.  It is not love but image worship.  She is a an object to him at this point.  The movie did not have a happy ending; shocking, I know.

It’s what this genre misrepresents is what upsets me.  They place so much emphasis on pursuit, and beauty and not so much on the important things.  Like, you know, being compatible.  Plus the tension is generally that of the 'will they, won’t they' variety.  We know the answer, it’s yes.  Yes, they will before the movie is over.  Unless it’s poor Forrest Gump and then it’s a hollow victory because Jenny is a bitch.  The woman does nothing but hurt the poor guy and take advantage of him then make him rear her bastard son.  The man talks to strangers about candy, leave him the fuck alone you heartless wench!  But she didn’t.  Fuck you Jenny.

Ben