List of Awesome: Part One

I feel very confident in my ability to compile a list of things that awesome.  I plan on making it my doctoral dissertation one day.  Let’s start the list in no particular order or demarcation of importance.

1. Andrew Jackson

The man was bat shit insane awesome.  He was called old hickory not just because he smacked people with his cane but because he was unyieldingly badass.  He participated in fatal duels (he was nice enough to dial back the awesome to allow witnesses to survive) , wars (he got into the Revolutionary war at 13), and he survived the first ever assassination attempt on a sitting President.  This is partially false because he never sat he was always perched on the precipice.  He attacked the would be assassin,  Richard Lawrence, who was being restrained at the time.  Davy Crockett, a fellow badass, was reduced to a mere spectator.  Jackson took not giving a fuck to epic levels.  Plus they had to eject his parrot from his funeral for shouting obscenities at the guests.  If he could materialize as ghost he would have bitch slapped the idiot who threw the bird out.  He wanted the obscenities.

2. Backhands

It’s the move that lets you know the bad guy is truly powerful.  He doesn’t need to hit hard or expend effort.  He just shrugs you off like you aren’t worth his time.   Also known as bitch slap or pimp slap.  I don’t like the connotation of the term pimp slap seeing as pimps are very much not awesome.

3. The End of Prohibition

Not only did this bring back alcohol to the masses it ended a whole lot of Chicago violence.  Plus we had the government essentially admit that it was wrong.  We had Prohibition just long enough to get some amazing films and books out of it.

4. Thongs

If they can catapult Cisco’s career they can do most anything.   Of note thongs are really only awesome depending on what they are accessorizing.  Young men agree thongs are awesome.

5. Sports rivalries

I’m a Red Sox fan married to a Yankees fan.  It makes things significantly more interesting.  This is one of the few socially acceptable ways for adult to brag and boast over actions they didn’t take part in.  Plus backing a team unites you with a whole group of people who you might never have any connection to or like.

6. Video Games

This is the only way I know you can kill dragons, aliens, triads, cyborgs, goblins, super villains, ninjas, and vampires.  Also video games increase hand eye coordination.  Plus as a young teenager you can kick everybody’s ass at Firs person shooters.  As an adult you can make fun of the idiot teenagers who play too much.  As  a little kid you can watch your older sibling play the game.  If you want o see inventive ways to play a video game watch the younger generation.  Some family friends found that in Assassins Creed 2 you can poison the guards then thrown coins on the ground.  This brings the peasants to flock around the poisoned guard who then starts flailing around as he dies hitting all the peasants and workers.  Video games lately have been better written, better acted with better visuals and have had better action sequences than movies.

7. Animal Farts

Farting for humans can be funny or really uncomfortable.  It also depends on who you are surrounded by.  With manboy’s it is funny, with restaurant critics not so much.  Also it is never okay to fart in an elevator.  That doesn’t go away and the person who gets on next might be blamed for your foulness.  Don’t be a jerk.

But with animals it is always funny.  It still stinks, oh my god does it stink, but it’s funny.  Mac, my Wheaten Terrier, farts constantly.  The thing I find the funniest is that he is completely unfazed by the process.  There is zero expression change or reaction.  He farts with complete impunity.

Also on television I saw a British man flip out and giggle nonstop over hearing a snake fart.  For some reason British accents tend to make certain things far more funny.  This was one of them.  Plus the idea of snakes farts is already silly.

8. Martial Arts Movies and or fight scenes

Martial arts movies usually have awful and predictable plots.  We aren’t watching for these things.  Sometimes the bad plot makes it even better and more fun.  We are watching for the sheer awesomeness of watching some dude kick another dude in the head.

9. Adventure Time

Oh my glob, it’s the best example of the animated post apocalyptic science fantasy buddy genre.  Mathematical!  Adventure Time is a cartoon that is just appropriate enough not to mess up kids but edgy enough with doses of quick wit and innuendo for older generations.  It takes all the nuance and quirkiness of Wes Anderson film but with less hipster mentality and actual plot and action.  It doesn’t take itself too seriously and goes in fun and adventurous places.  Plus they had a high five using with catapults, candy people, zombies, guitar axes, animate video game consoles, rainicorns, magic stretching dogs, magic swords and sociopathic ice wizards.

10. Churros

Mexican cuisine has given us so many wonderful delicacies.  A lot of the food we Americans term Mexican is really Tex-Mex and a lot of that came from street food not the true home style cooking of Latin America.  Tacos are really not a meal but an appetizer.  Churros are wondrous fried happiness covered in sugar.  They can be dipped into amazing deserty toppings like chocolate and caramel or served with ice cream.  But whatever they are served with they are awesome and truly delicious.

Ben