How to Ruin a Party

There are moments in life when I experienced an indignant rage so acute I wanted to shake the stupidity out of a person.  Frothing over with unexpressed rage wondering how it was possible for a person, or persons, ability to make it thus far in life.  I have practiced restrain many times over dealing with such shocking displays of childishness, of pettiness or downright inexplicable incompetence.  This is a problem I continue to encounter as I greatly enjoy throwing parties.  Oftentimes such parties will be uncomplicated and stress free but they are like a diamond in the rough, rare beautiful and elusive.  More often they are immense undertakings with copious amounts of work, clean up and frustration.  For some reason I continue on hoping for better results.  This tendency is not because I am insane, as doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results might suggest, but because I am hopeful.  I hope that people show me their best.  I hope that people appreciate effort and the niceties offered.

Here’s a few examples of the ingratitude and beastly behaviors I have experienced in the past.  I write this in part to sooth my frustrations.  I don’t wish to look negatively on throwing parties as I find them a wonderful opportunity for creating a feeling of community and family.

Dinner out

This should be uncomplicated.  Most people who act like adults I’ve found split the check without much thought.  If the bill is disproportionate between couples then actual math can be used but discounting such differential math is not needed.  Even better we tell the server of the check being split before ordering.  I find that last step fixes a large group of problems encountered with eating with certain problem friends.

I dread passing the bill to certain people.  I see them furrow their brow and I think to myself they are simply figuring out a way to fuck everyone else at the table.  They bead up with sweat wondering if anyone knows they are cheap or stupid or incapable of simple math.  I simply shake my head in frustration and chastise myself.  Why chastise myself, you wonder?  Because I should fucking know better.  Everyone has an idiot friend who simply cannot pay properly.  I have several and they all employ different ways of screwing it up.

Perhaps it’s the one idiot who pays with a card when everyone else pays with cash.  Guess what if you give the wait staff the money and you pay the difference you don’t tip on the difference.  If you do that makes you an asshole.

Then there is the person with forgetful math.  Hey, guess what you can get away without paying for you iced tea once.  If it happened every time we are out and we are always short, it’s not me it’s you.  Yeah, you’re an asshole.  And yeah, I remember you ordering refills when they aren’t free.  No I don’t think it’s unfair that aren’t refills.  Yes, you should pay extra when you ordered extra sauce and had the meal prepared differently from the way it is on the menu.  Yeah, I do remember these things.  Yes, you are still an asshole.

There is also the under tipper.  You simply have no idea what it’s like to work in the restaurant industry.  I have managed wait staff.  Many of them have been incompetent, disrespectful, many have stolen from myself or others,  many are rude or stupid.  But I still tip properly.  Why because they are still human beings and they get paid under 3 bucks an hour otherwise.  Oh, and you’re an asshole.

Of course, there is the genuine mistake.  Maybe you misread the bill.  Maybe you forgot the extra drink, or the desert of you added wrong.  That’s fine.  But don’t look aghast if the bill is short.  Don’t make excuses.  Otherwise you are bad as I forgot my wallet guy or can you loan me money guy.  Actually worse.  Unless it’s can you loan me money then conveniently forget guy.  Fuck that guy.

Organizational hell

People are busy I get that.  But get over yourself.  Either come or don’t.  Do not make it so I have to check up one you five times.  I shouldn’t have to call you, text you, email you, and Facebook you all to get a yeah, can you remind me next week.  “I should be able to come but my foot’s been hurting and my girlfriend doesn’t share her calendar and I’ve got to be on her beck and call to impress her.  Also my car exploded, so can you pick me up and then drop me off at the train station after.  I have to get to New York for a concert.  I don’t have the tickets yet.  For the concert not the train.  The train I got.  The concert tickets are held by this guy who always flakes on me but for some reason I always trust him then get irrationally upset that he fucks up.  Weird hunh?”  This is a composite of the bullshit excuses I get.  I had a friend in college who made me work so hard to get him to do anything.  I had to tell him a month or two in advance then remind him every other week then a few days in advance then the day before and then a few hours before.  And idiot like I am I did.  Response twenty minutes into said event after having counted him among those joining…  I can’t make it.  I wish I was exaggerating.  I wish it only happened once.  I simply don’t have the energy to deal with that amount of bullshit for a fifty-fifty chance of you showing.  Just tell me you don’t have the money or that you’re tired.  Or you know just flake.  And yet these are the same people who complain we never hang out.  Without irony.  You are not so special that I am willing to work hard to constantly be shunned.  You’re attention when you fell like giving it is not living giving rays of light.  Attention is nice.  Hanging out with friends is nice.  But I’ll commit energy to those who don’t flake.  I don’t care how amazing you are, if you consistently bail or flake I am not wasting my energy.

This is outside the plain old lying.  If you are going to lie to me please at least go out of the way to tell me something interesting and put some thought into it.  If you uh and ah for five minutes it’s hint.  The hint is you’re asshole with bad improvisational skills and no wit.  Just admit you’re tired or have social anxiety.  Or stop being a dipshit.  Oh and don’t say you didn’t know about an event in time.  Because I can be super petty when I feel someone is lying and check through my email logs.  Just admit you forgot.

There is of course a certain amount of busy that is excused by this.  My sister in law is a first responder (and a mom) so she actually needs months ahead of time to schedule things.  But barring that kind of nonsense there isn’t that kind of leeway.

Of course then there are the people who triple book.  They say they can come and the day before they forget that had a party they to go to.  Thanks.  This confuses me.  It either means your memory sucks or you took forever to tell me about the conflict, or you couldn’t decide which to bail on.

Party Fouls

Don’t rub Doritos on my dog.  It isn’t funny.  He has hair not fur so that shit reeks.  And he can’t lick it off so he smells the food but can’t get to it.  It’s cruel.  Plus he rubs against everything, because he’s a you know dog, and that’s what they do.  So that gets over everything in the house.  All because you couldn’t use a napkin.  You’re a huge asshole.  I would Liam Neeson your ass if I could.

Please don’t get so drunk I have to stay up and hear your life story.  I want to go to bed.  I’m only up out of mixture of trying to be a nice person and making sure you don’t throw up on my couch.  Also I want to make sure you don’t concuss yourself or choke on your own vomit.  That would be bad.  Shut up and drink your water.  If you can’t handle drinking heavily don’t drink heavily.

Please don’t puke on me when I’m driving.  It just… it just isn’t pleasant.  I really shouldn’t have to elaborate on this.

Please don’t bring friends who were not invited without asking me.  I invited you, not your entourage.  If they invite themselves to things don’t talk about it around them.  Better yet lay some boundaries like an adult.  And remember you are not a fucking celebrity it’s not expected you can bring people along.  I just invited you.

Please don’t complain at a party, any party not just one of mine, while sitting disinterested and not helping.  Guess what, you’re the fucking problem most likely.  I do the same thing with different people and fun goddamn times.

This is why I more and more enjoy hanging out with people older than me.  Maybe I’m just really cranky.  Or maybe I’m simply a pain in the ass.  But hey, I threw a fucking bacon party so cranky or not I’m pretty awesome sometimes.  And yes, it was amazing and yes I am doing it again this year.  And no, you cannot invite yourself to this party, you obviously have not paid attention to what I just wrote.

Ben