I am going to attempt to explain what it’s like to live with
A.D.D., a much maligned and over hyped cognitive disorder. I hope to give some insights so those without
this disorder can have some appreciation for it. Jumping topics slightly, something that I
should hopefully cover later on as it would also give illumination… did you
know there have been some really cool improvement on the light bulb
lately. Yeah, it seems boring but
improving the light bulb can have a profound effect. How many light bulbs in you place of living? In you place of work? In highways and other places. If we cut down on power expenditure we
improve things dramatically. Back to my
earlier point… a lot of people use ADD as an excuse. I remember when I was in high school people
would self diagnose themselves as ADD. I
would self diagnose them as jerks, idiots and lazy douche bags. A bit harsh, true, but I’d watch a person
complain about lack of focus when they don’t understand what that really
means. I do this as I constantly repeat
in my mind that at in twenty minutes I have to excuse myself from class and
walk to water fountain to take an
adderal pill. Did you ever notice adderal
starts with the letters add? And why is
it A.D.D.? It isn’t adding
anything. You’re subtracting from your
focus. The weird thing about the problem
is you need speed, or an upper rather, to calm you down. Sort of.
You need more energy to maintain focus.
The hyperactivity part is not intrinsic to ADD. Hyperactive is a bullshit term most of the
time. Its mainly applicable to boys. It isn’t hyper (again extra) it’s the
norm. Young boys have a tremendous amount
of energy and a biological need to expend it…
It’s like telling a scorpion not to sting. You stupid frog in the parable take that…
Anyway. School isn’t designed for the
needs of young boys. Expectations to sit
quietly in your seat and absorb knowledge are not built on the true nature of
boys. Of course it’s not a good idea to
let the miscreants run rampant and swing from the rafters but an innovation
might be needed. So I would watch them,
quelling my rage, as they joked about ADD.
They knew nothing of the sort they just wanted and excuse, a crutch, a
reason to avoid shame.
There seems to be a large chunk of people being labeled ADD
wrongly. I think this is simply the
culture enabling bad parenting. Drug
your children and avoid responsibility. Many problems can simply be helped along by
time and work. There is no test to
become a parent, well there is but that’s more confirmation than a judgment of
metal and psychological ability. I don’t
condone anything so Draconian as restricting parenting to ‘deserving’
individuals I simply hope that more moms and dads make time to improve their
children through good parenting, which is laborious and often thankless, over
cheap and easy fixes.
I sit at the computer rubbing my eyes and trying to get
through this report. I’ve pulled the
information from the core platform brought it over into excel for
scrubbing. Pivoted the data and charted
it. I bring it to another workbook where
I change it again from presentation.
Then suddenly, and unbidden, a
thought enters my mind. It take over my
entire thought process and I cannot purge it.
No further action can be undertaken until I see this tangent to
fruition. What happens to those puppetry
of the penis guys when they get older?
Does it have a measurable effect in older age. Is it better or worse for health
reasons. How would you explain to your
grandchild why you have to wear really baggy pants as an adult because you need
more room due to helping along gravity.
Then I sit unsure if I should be dismayed or amused. I go get coffee and shake the thought from my
head. I sit down moments later and
return to my previous work. Things like
this happen at least three times a day.
Perhaps it is part of the of the creative process for
some. But I cannot have a linear thought
for long period of time. It’s like
surfing the internet, or specifically wikipedia. One thought begets another and the chain can
be hard to trace back. I can sit still
now as an adult and I’ve trained myself to deal with things but I have
difficulty not checking my phone. I have
to set constant reminders and schedules.
I keep them in my smart phone for easy access. I’ve made a habit of checking it rather
often. It’s not that my memory is bad my
focus just weakens from time to time unpredictably. It’s like a shield Some thoughts simply bounce right off. Some are so strong them blow through. Others simply slip in once the defense have
gone down from the constant barraging attack.
The arch nemesis of anyone with ADD is that fucking windsock
puppet thing in front of car dealerships.
I hate that god damn thing. It
jumps and move unpredictably. It calls
to my eyes. It’s isn’t terribly
interesting or entertaining. But… I…
can’t… look… away. Fuck that thing. I wish sometimes I could have a better filter
for random thoughts. I wish when one
takes hold I could file it the back of my mind and say I’ll think about you
later when I have moment but I need to
get this done. It does not happen. It is an electric current. It is immediate and must be satisfied to the
end.
This is problematic for many reasons. It makes reading a nightmare. I just counted ten books on my night side
table. Four of which I have started at
one point. If I don’t finish a book
within ten days it grows discarded. I
might pick it up again and finish it might wait there forever a mark of
shame. It might wait patiently for its
turn. It might eventually get filled
away on a bookshelf.
Video games are not as bad as they are intrinsically more engaging
by nature. You are interacting more
directly and much less passively. But
still some game sit partially played, possible never to be finished. My Netflix queue grows faster than shrinks. My want to consume always higher than my time
set aside.
I’ve worked hard to control and constrain my ADD. I look for no pity. But I do want people to stop self diagnosing
or using drugs to treat this. The
erratic nature of the disorder is only a flaw depending on the lifestyle you
choose. Office cube rats is not the most
conducive environment for such things but I manage just fine.
Perhaps this post gave an idea of what it’s like to think in
a non-linear fashion. And sadly not an
intentional non-linear fashion more of a o disjointed fractured version of
linear thought. A topic is started and
along the way focus drifts and the path back to the original topic is gone and
you wonder how you got where you are now.
My method of combat has been time, patience and effort. The three things that I’ve found cure most
everything. If you have cognitive
disorders or learning disabilities (I’m also dyslexic) I feel for you. I appreciate your struggle and I hope you
find a way to improve yourself through it.
My problems have usually been my best teachers. They have given valuable tools in learning
how to function better. The skills I
developed through my efforts have been critical in getting me where I am.
Ben
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Thanks for posting. You are awesome!