Sunday, May 14, 2017

The terrible no good life of a junior white house staffer

Jason’s Diary


March 23rd
I was originally hired for editing press releases.  My department head has been fired, replaced, then replaced again.  I’m unsure who I report to and I’m not entirely sure what my job title is anymore.  I try to wear dark suits to blend into the shadows, that seems to be keeping me out of trouble for the most part.  Trump doesn’t know my name and that seems to help.  He keeps firing people when he isn’t distracted but really only the people whose names he recognizes stay fired.  The rest of us just swap positions.  I have started to drink on the weekends.  I try not to tell my parents about the job.  My friends keep asking for any inside information.  I lie to them and say it’s wonderful.  One of the staffers who started the same week as me thought it would be funny to respond to emails like that by saying the Kremlin is wonderful this time of year.  I haven’t seen him in a few days.

My roommate is leaving for the next month on sabbatical and asked me to look after Charlie his cat.  I’m not much of a cat person but I figured it would be helpful for him and he’d pay back the favor in kind.

April 4th
I had to remind one of the new guys that all memo’s need to be in bullet points and large type font.  He thought I was joking.  I don’t think he’ll make it.  I focus my time on helping those who might be able to get through.  Trump overheard my name yesterday but I ducked when it was said.  I saw him scanning the room but he didn’t see me.  Pence saw but he remains a mystery to me.  I leave him alone and he seems to appreciate that.  His eyes remind me of a shark.  Dull and lifeless on the surface but capable of great emotion once engaged.

Sean Spicer was having a really bad day so I split my candy bar with him.  He asked me where I got the candy bar.  I joked that I never reveal my sources as I’m a trustworthy fellow.  He nodded solemnly.  I felt pity for him.

April 11th
A group of were in the oval office.  I stood next to Sean and slightly behind him, only just visible like something at the edge of your site.  Sean liked me as I kept a small supply of small candy’s in my pocket.  I would share them with him.  I pitied his constant expression of desperation.  It seemed like his sanity was clawing at the back of his eyes.  The words falling out his mouth were like hemlock he was forced to digest and regurgitate.  I wondered how long he could survive here.  He aged horribly.  I was supposed to be taking notes to turn the latest word salad in viable talking points.  I mostly spaced out and constructed them on my own.  I am unsure if what I am doing is sin.  I have not been sleeping well.  Charlie the cat has been taking to curling up at my feet sensing my trouble.  He is a good cat.  I started to pay attention when trump gesticulations grew especially large.  He smirked and looked in my direction.  Shit.  I couldn’t duck out this time.  He made direct eye contact.  Pence may have smirked.  That bastard, he’s been playing me.  That fucking shark!  I could see emotion in those fucking eyes.  Fuck, he wants to show me the red button, for the love of all that's holy don't push- oh, it's soda.  A man ushers in a cold soda in a slender glass on a silver plate.  I unclench.  He asks me something, I didn’t quite catch it.  Sean nudges me.  I nod affirmatively and say something.  I can’t quite recall but I think I said something about elegance and him and other compliments.  Trump turns to Pence nodding.  Pence’s eyes returned to normal.  I can’t see disappointment but I can smell it in the air.  Fuck that guy.  Next time I see him I’ll accidentally lock him in the room with Sindee.  She’s the intern we hired who’d some fashion designer’s grandniece.  She has zero experience but Trump always is nicer when she’s around.  Also she’s incredibly hot and dresses in a way that makes me feel like that one time Carol my Freshman year accidentally flashed me.  I know it's not appropriate to talk about a woman’s looks and rate her on them but she’s a walking erection builder.  Later that night I feel extremely guilty, took a long shower and drank heavily.

April 13th
I lost the vote and had to squeegee off the television.  Some idiot put on MSNBC instead of Fox news.  I’d punch that person in the kidney if I knew who it was.  I was about to eat Sean’s candy but stopped myself.  I’m not entirely sure but I think I’m the best part of his day.

Paul Ryan came by earlier today.  Sindee told me she thinks he’s hot.  I told her I could probably get a meeting with him.  Later that day she let me feel her up.  I cried in the shower that night.  I think this place is changing me.  I would never do something like that.  My parents would be so upset.

April 20th
I told Sindee to hide in the broom closet and she got mad at me for trying to feel her up again.  Later that day she apologized when she found out Ted Nugent was in the hallway.  She kissed me cheek.  I promised myself I would try to get a meeting with Paul Ryan.  I’m not a fucking animal.  I just realized today that not a single person from the team I started with has stayed on.  Pence was watching me again.  I still don’t trust that bastard.

April 24th
I saw a flaming skull in the hallway today.  I thought it was that old Castlevania nightmare I used to have at sleep away camp.  But it was real.    Someone told me the skull chewed its way out of the body they fit for Kelly Ann Conway.  They stuff the body full of snakes and shove the flaming skull inside.  This oddly made most sense out of everything I’d heard this week.  I told my manager about it and he started freaking out.  He told me if Pence found out he’d flip his shit.  Any witchcraft had to be kept from him at all costs.  I ate some of the candy I had been saving for Sean and hid in the bushes.  I found another staffer there had brought in a small television and we’d played x-box for a few hours.  He hugged me and wished me well then said if I told anyone about his hiding spot he’d cut me from stomach to throat.  I think maybe we can become friends.

May 2nd
I had one of the interns draft a memo to Paul Ryan lying about Tony Horton visiting the White House.  I figured it was gamble that might draw him out.

May 3rd
I had the best sex of my life in the broom closet with Sindee.  I feel a little bad about the intern being forced to assigned the flaming skull after his imbroglio.  I told him about the spot in the bushes but he had to be careful when he went there.  He thanked me.

May 8th
The other staffer are looking to me for orders.  I’m not entirely sure how this happened.  It happened so incrementally I can’t piece together the tipping point.  Jared asked me to play basketball tomorrow.  I’m not sure if this is a trap but I have to go.  I handed one of the interns a pile of candy and told them to follow Sean and keep him out of trouble.  She stood there looking confused.  I raised my voice and she ran away crying.  I felt bad but it needed to be done.  If they couldn’t deal with me there no way they could deal with the inner circle.  I told one the junior staffers to find her and apologize.  He looked dejected like he wanted to relish in her pain.  I fear for my people.  I’m not sure if I’m doing enough to try and keep a positive influence on my small band of staffers.

May 11th
Pence and I have come to an understanding.  He is spectacular fighter.  He both coughed up blood for the next hour and drank heavily at nearby bar.  He told me he was proud of me.  I did not shy away from his arm as he wrapped around my shoulders.  It felt… it felt good.  I took a longer shower than normal.  Sindee stayed over tonight.  She has decided her name for me would be babe.  She was in between that and hun.  I am unsure if this is a mistake.  That night I dreamt about going back to Princeton.

May 12th
Kissinger visited today.  I was told to keep “Kelly” away from him.  She might get confused and gravitate to a higher evil. I decided I’d go home early claiming to be sick.  I drank heavily and hugged my cat Charlie.  Charlie is becoming used to this behavior.  I think he worries for me.  He’s a good cat.

May 13th
I got into my car and just kept driving.  I had Charlie with.  Sindee is still asleep at my apartment.  I don’t think I’m going back.  I text Sean and tell him I’m sorry.  A moment later my phone starts ringing.  I know it’s him.  I refuse to pick up.  I know he won’t leave and I refuse to let him drag me back.  I try to hold back the tears but fail.  Charlie mewls at me and I tell him everything is going to be okay.  He lays his head down on the seat.
Today I am free.