Fear and Loathing in a Pandemic

This is no time for sobriety.  Besides the very realistic fear that if I stop long enough from ingesting my medicine that my mind will realize my body has decayed to such a terrible extent it might throw up it’s tiny imaginary hands declare “I can’t hold this festering pile of putrid sinew together” and simply walk out I believe the current state of events to be unbearable without some added benefit of copious amounts of mood enhancers.  Taken in correct doses with careful monitoring one might almost walk blithefully unaware through the bovine like masses.  But, I wonder, might it be tempting to interject true unobjectiveness.  Awakening myself to such realities during sobriety would surely lead to self-combustion.  What color I would burn then?  Vermillion I hope.  I always liked how that world rolled around in my mouth.

Ignoring my sinews and drugs for the time being I brush aside the haze and think hard about my deadline.  It was weeks past I realize as I look at the cracked black screen of my phone.  It lays, silent, at the base of the fireplace crushed by my rejection of its needy tendrils.  These cell phones worm their way into our lives.  They desperately seek and need our attention.  They crave the warm caress of our hands, our fingers softly rubbing, poking, squeezing it’s dead face.  It yearns for our gaze.  “Just one more moment,” it whispers lovingly into our ear.  There is no love.  It is empty loveless lust.  It desires our want but not us.  It requires our attention but not our spirit.

From a distance and with great trepidation I reanimate this monster.  I hope it will remain slumbering but the great electronic beast begins to reawaken.  I will be caught back by this succubus of time.  Alerts and messages flash angrily.  This was a mistake.  I walk away from the thing.  Consider picking it up again to throw it at the wall and try to hit the same spot as last time.  Do a better job of slaying the dragon.  For now I will settle for ignoring the thing.  I will share the space like a divorced couple forced to quarantine together.

This is our foul year of the lord two thousand twenty.  I think it is the year I claw myself to bits and let the very last remnants of my sanity leak out.  Perhaps, I muse, it would be a pleasant conversion turning into one of ‘them’.  I will wear ill fitting khaki pants and get a job doing nothing of societal importance sitting in a some god forsaken cubicle.  I will decorate this cubicle with what passes for acceptable corporate humor.  I will gorge myself on cheap coffee and pretend to like the things my department leader likes.  I will be unaware as my soul lives my body and continue emailing the same five people.  Nothing will get done but I will be paid enough to look down my nose at others.  I will have seven pairs of the same awful shoes.

I pry myself from the fever dream and stop the shaking.  I drop the glass of water I find in my hands.  How did this get here?  I expertly segment a cantaloupe with my bowie knife and ingest it greedily.  There is a hamburger nearby so I devour this next and wipe the grease onto my pants.  I claw at my throat.  I need fresh air.  I take my mask, the damnable thing, and place it on.  Fiercely resisting the primal urge to throw it in the fireplace near the other thing I stand resolute in my ‘duty’.  It glows again, the thing, it’s white hot anger summoned by my gaze.  Stroke me.  Look at me.  “Damnable witchcraft,” I shout.  The door slams.  I am outside.  It is quiet.  The straps of the burn my ears but I ignore it.  I can breathe for the moment.

The fuck am I doing?

I was told it was important to breathe through your mouth while wearing these masks.  My glasses begin to fog up immediately.  I spend the next several minutes trying to find the secret combination where I can rest my mask on my face without the strain inducing a migraine and where my glasses can rest low enough on my nose to hold the mask in place and still give adequate visual correction without danger of falling off.  I think, perhaps, I will unlock the mysteries of the Mayans first.  I find an unhappy median with the mask and resume my walk resigned, at this point, to fogged glasses.  Periodically I remove them angrily and place them about my neck.  I wander half blind.  I think there is beauty in this.  A wonderful ignorance.  I think this must be what those venal pigs feel.  Those savage knuckle draggers protesting their freedom.  I feel the bile rising at the mention of freedom.  Mention, did I say it loud?  Am I talking or thinking?  Freedom, the true kind, is a foreign concept.  Freedom has been replaced.  The corporate approved flag clutching freedom is myopic and exclusive.  It belongs only to those of the ill fitting khakis and bad haircuts.  I will never be among those people.  I’ve tried but some intrinsic piece of me wriggles free and bites at the back of my brain.  It claws at my eyes.  I can never belong to that crowd.  I do not hate in the same way they hate.  My anger spreads virulently in every direction.  Surging inward and outward.  I feel disgust with myself openly and often this is a cardinal sin for them.  One must never criticize themselves.  One must never criticize the group.  One must submit and make others fall in line.

The neighbors are staring at me.  I speed up my walk and do not wave.  A dog walks by and I look at the gentle beast.  I feel like that thing laying half dormant besides my fireplace.  Pay attention to me beast I implore him with my eyes.  Give me your love.  It saunters by led by a pair of black leggings and an ostentatious spring jacket.  Her mask is pulled so low as to be useless.  Words like wreath and manager must be common in her vocabulary.  I place my glasses on and they fog immediately.  I swear loudly.  I do not look to see if I have offended the owner of the black legging.  I definitely do not look to see if I have upset the beast with her.  I could not handle its derision.

I turn the corner and begin trudging up the hill.  I have, in times of delusion, run up this monstrous stretch of land.  In weak moments where I have foolishly attempted to harness the power within my own body I would bid my legs to shuffle quickly, to ignore the quickened pace of breath and the agony that would inevitably develop in my side.  I am hopeful that madness will not take hold again.  It is unpleasant enough to breathe through the cloth mask in clear days with little exertion.  Breathing through my mask while sweating and cursing and dealing with an insubordinate mass of flailing limbs seems outright insanity.  But, this is a time of great mental instability.  It is fruitful and profitable to be overcome with this malady.  Perhaps, I can cast aside such gentle conditions as empathy and critical thought and embrace the warmth of true capitalism.  I can crush my enemies and make wage slaves of the masses.  I can cultivate an image of goodness and charity while flouting the rule of law and the trust of man that keeps the fabric of society intact.  The threads are pulling but most of us simply close our eyes, ignoring the gaping holes.  Yes, I would be a kind overlord.  I would grant a true lunchbreak and not extend the workday to cover that time.  Yes, I would provide a matching 401k but not too generous of one.  I would be a member of decent society at this point as a job creator so it would not do to give away too much lest I be thought of as a communist, or worse, weak.  Yes, I would bust unions and promote executives who have a needless thirst for power and money.  How they would strive for KPI’s over the development of their direct reports.  Men and woman in smart attire who casually needle each other looking for weakness readying themselves to devour the competition.  They would be my people.  I would rule over this empire of misery and go yachting during the summer.  The groan of a package delivery truck awakens me from that seduction reverie.  I am relieved to be away from that momentary depravity.  I fell dirty beneath my skin in ways I cannot express adequately.

I find myself back to the house and its modicum of safety.  It is a prison of sorts but it is my prison.  I ignore the thing near the fireplace.  I turn on the television and leave it on an input connected to an unpowered device.  The screen is alive but nothing resonates.  It is not noise but it is not the maniacal bursts of depravity from television antics.  It is not the abject of terror watching the news.  News is just poorly written horror.  The monster will inevitably appear like some jump scare were are used to but never used to.  Our insatiable curiosity summoned this aberration.  It is the fault of all of us.  We had the power to look away but we chose to give it power by watching.  We knew it was pure ugliness but we didn’t care.  Either the talking heads who above the trawling chyron will mention the monster and the inference will be unpleasant or, worse still, his awful visage will appear in all its flesh like aberrance.  This pitiless rough and slouching beast who threatens to swallow Bethlehem with his rambling incoherent words dribbling out like hate vomit cannot be allowed take residence among my mind.  It is crowded enough as it is and I need no more anger.  Perhaps once again I am juxtaposing.  Rearranging the features of terror into something more and something else.  Like a name too terrible to say so letters are misarranged intentionally.  So the meaning is known but the true name is not spoke so the thing will not be summoned.  This monster is simply a man.  It is the grade school project scrapbook of all our worst traits.  Sewn together and made real.

I blink away those thoughts and I stare at the computer.  Perhaps I will write for a moment.  Capture the demons that haunt me and pin them to the page.  Slay them for the moment.  When they are unwritten and not yet real they have power over me.  They cannot be banished.  Bringing them to life, to the light, they can be seen.  Demons, like monsters, distrust the light.  They seek comfort in the liminal space and those who cannot hide in the comfort of darkness sow discord.  They speak from both sides of their mouth at the same time.  If we cannot trust reality who is to say what is real.  They are clever is a feral way.  So I will write the truth.  This writhing mass of emotion that I call my body and mind and spirit will shine some light on this moment of desperation.

Then I find the bottle of Jack Daniels I did not know I still had.  Perhaps the monster can wait a bit longer.  I turn the phone over so its glow faces downwards.  I want no further illumination in these moments of shame.  The medicinal comfort is needed first.  Then perhaps I can contemplate my deadline.

I drink deeply.  Like lost lovers reunited there is no hint of seduction or tenderness just unabated lust and lechery.  I stare at the screen of my laptop before my vision begins to wobble.  I begin to type: This is no time for sobriety.

~ Duke

The Problem with Gyms

Dear Prospective/Current member,

It has come to the attention of gym management lately that several members (both new and old) have been exhibiting inappropriate behavior.  In order to curb said behavior we have decided to send out a behavior quiz to better help educate our current and prospective members about proper gym etiquette.  Please take your time in filling out the form and ask any of our helpful employees if you have any questions.

Question 1
During your lifting routine you see who you assume to be a new gym member wandering around the weight room looking confused.
Do you:

A: Politely introduce yourself and ask the member if they like any help with weight or machines.  Or if they’d like to be introduced to any of the trainers who can help.
B: Strut over like a roided up gorilla and state "Bro, why are you even here?"
C: Ignore them.  They have to figure it out for themselves you can’t be coddling kids these days.
D: Walk over and ask if they want some help and winking tell them you can help them with their form while you subtly grope them.
E: Pull the fire alarm.

Question 2
You see what appears to be young man harassing a woman on the treadmill.  Do you:

A: Go to the nearest gym employee and explain the situation.
B: Sucker punch the man and ask for the woman’s number.
C: Ignore them.  She shouldn’t have worn comfortable form fitting work out clothes.  She as asking for it.
D: Walk over and ask if they want some help.  Then ogle her and call her a bitch if she rejects your help.
E: Distract the man by having a full blown meltdown on the phone allowing the woman to escape.

Question 3
You walk up to the row of treadmills.  The television in front of the machine you normally use is a channel you dislike.  Do you:

A: Look for another machine or calmly ask a gym employee to help change the channel.
B: Freak out they aren’t showing SportsCenter and throw you feces at the screen.
C: Freak out over the liberal media bias and throw you feces at the screen.
D: Instead choose the best treadmill in the second row so you ogle to other runners.
E: Immediately evacuate yourself and scream "don’t look at me" as you flee to the changing room leaving unpleasant messes at every step.

Question 4
Another member has started using a machine during your set break in your routine even though your towel, water bottle, and body position clearly state you weren’t done.  Do you:

A: Calmly wait for the person to be finished.  It’s likely a honest mistake and they weren’t paying attention.
B: Immediately snatch the weight out of their hands and beat your chest.  Loudly yell, "What the fuck Bro!" Without explaining the problem.
C: Loudly and passively aggressively complain about millennials ruing society and how no one has any manners today.  Stand with you hands on your hips while grimacing.
D: Sit behind them really close and explain that you weren’t done but that the two of you can machine if they’d like.  Subtly grope them.
E: Accidentally spill your green smoothie all over them.

Question 5
In the locker room there is a person who is openly nervous about changing and is looking around the room.  Do you:

A: Give them space and try to focus on changing and leave.
B: Take off all your clothes and strut over and ask if they’re feeling alright.  Ask them about the latest sports event to put them at ease.
C: Ignore them completely and walk around the changing room naked and fart loudly.
D: Compliment their clothing and sit nearby to make them feel at ease.  Subtly grope them.
E: Change as fast as possible to give them space and run out of the changing room at mock speed.  If possible do the Naruto run.

Question 6
A person asks you for a spot.  Do you:

A: Walk over and help them.  Encourage them as they lift and tell them they did a great job.
B: Strut over while shouting "Of course Bro!"  Criticize their form the whole time and tell them what you’d do better while flexing aggressively.
C: Scold them for asking and tell them they should either just lift it on their own and not bother people or go home.  Kids today are too disrespectful.
D: As you spot them lowly maneuver you groin closer and closer to them.
E:  Pretend you didn’t hear them and hide behind the weight rack.

Question 7
A young child is running through the room.  Do you:

A: Go find an employee and ask them for help.
B: Give the child a caffeinated protein shake and call him little man.
C: Intentionally trip the child and ignore the crying.  Smirk to yourself.
D:  Ignore the child and continuing staring at the other gym members as they work out.
E: Sparta kick the child.  Realize what you’ve done and hide behind the weight rack.


Question 8
You notice a member openly staring at other members.  They are positioning themselves so they can watch people work out and stare lewdly.  Do you:

A: Find the nearest employee and explain the situation.
B: Strut over them and tell them loudly to stop.  Make sure to smile at the person they were staring at.  Do an aggressive head nod at them and walk away.
C: Ignore them and yell at the news program.
D:  Walk over to the person and ask who they think is the hottest person there.
E: Try to make conversation with other members about your Star Wars theories.

Question 9
You see another member leave their water bottle behind by accident:  Do you:

A: Try to politely grab their attention as they pass and point out their water bottle.
B:  Yell, "Yo, you left you fucking bottle Bro!"  Throw it at them like a football as hard as you can.
C: Mutter to yourself and say it serves them right.  Fart loudly mid set.
D:  Run over and grab the water bottle.  Get their attention and say they left something behind.  Hold the water bottle provocatively in front of your groin.
E:  Immediately claim it as your own and squirrel it away with the rest of your ill-gotten collection.

Question 10
You see a member leave their machine in a puddle of sweat and not return to towel it off.  Do you:

A: Spray the machine down and wipe it off.  Remember this for next time so you can politely and non-threateningly pull them aside and tell them they should wipe down the equipment after using it.
B: Wipe down the equipment with your towel and then throw it in the person's face while calling them a sweaty jackass.
C: It’s the gym employee’s job to clean things up.  You as the members pay them.  It’s not anyone’s job to clean up but the gym employees.
D: Immediately use the machine and inhale their scent deeply.
E: Ignore them and continue eating your large pepperoni pizza and buffalo wings.


Question 11
Another gym member is attenpting to make small talk with you.  Do you:

A: Politely engage with them to make them feel comfortable and a part of the community.
B: Flex aggressively.  Talk over them and change the subject.
C: Sneer and leave.
D: Stand as close as possible to them.  Subtly grope them.
E: Show them your impersonation of a velociraptor and run around the weight room screeching.


Question 12
You are lifting weights in front of the mirror.  Do you:

A: Use the mirror to help make sure you form is correct for both eccentric and concentric movements.
B: Flex aggressively and kiss your biceps.
C: As you arrive grab all the different weights you need for each exercises you may or may not do while taking up as much room as possible.  Leave your space in total disarray as it’s not your job to rack them after you are done.
D:  Lift half-heartedly as you use the mirror to stealthily look at other gym members.
E: Practice making different faces for your improv comedy troupe.  Don’t explain yourself as it’s a social experiment.

Question 13
You notice a large influx of gym members due to New Year’s resolutions and the gym is much more crowded than usual.  It is also filled with a lot of new and inexperienced members.  Do you:

A: Hope that many of the new members stay and continue on to have a positive physical improvement journey.
B: Complain loudly about all the idiots who don’t know how to lift properly and lament that the wight room is crowded with a bunch of newbies.
C: Turn up the volume on the new channel as high possible to drown out the noise.
D: Offer to help any of the new people with exercises or to show them around.  Grope them subtly.
E: Only show up at off hours to avoid having human interaction.  Complain on the internet about the gym sucking now.


We’d like to thank you for taking time out of your day to complete this educational quiz.  We ask that after you finish to please hand it in to the nearest gym employee for review.