Dear Prospective/Current member,
It has come to the attention of gym management lately that several members (both new and old) have been exhibiting inappropriate behavior. In order to curb said behavior we have decided to send out a behavior quiz to better help educate our current and prospective members about proper gym etiquette. Please take your time in filling out the form and ask any of our helpful employees if you have any questions.
Question 1
During your lifting routine you see who you assume to be a new gym member wandering around the weight room looking confused.
Do you:
A: Politely introduce yourself and ask the member if they like any help with weight or machines. Or if they’d like to be introduced to any of the trainers who can help.
B: Strut over like a roided up gorilla and state "Bro, why are you even here?"
C: Ignore them. They have to figure it out for themselves you can’t be coddling kids these days.
D: Walk over and ask if they want some help and winking tell them you can help them with their form while you subtly grope them.
E: Pull the fire alarm.
Question 2
You see what appears to be young man harassing a woman on the treadmill. Do you:
A: Go to the nearest gym employee and explain the situation.
B: Sucker punch the man and ask for the woman’s number.
C: Ignore them. She shouldn’t have worn comfortable form fitting work out clothes. She as asking for it.
D: Walk over and ask if they want some help. Then ogle her and call her a bitch if she rejects your help.
E: Distract the man by having a full blown meltdown on the phone allowing the woman to escape.
Question 3
You walk up to the row of treadmills. The television in front of the machine you normally use is a channel you dislike. Do you:
A: Look for another machine or calmly ask a gym employee to help change the channel.
B: Freak out they aren’t showing SportsCenter and throw you feces at the screen.
C: Freak out over the liberal media bias and throw you feces at the screen.
D: Instead choose the best treadmill in the second row so you ogle to other runners.
E: Immediately evacuate yourself and scream "don’t look at me" as you flee to the changing room leaving unpleasant messes at every step.
Question 4
Another member has started using a machine during your set break in your routine even though your towel, water bottle, and body position clearly state you weren’t done. Do you:
A: Calmly wait for the person to be finished. It’s likely a honest mistake and they weren’t paying attention.
B: Immediately snatch the weight out of their hands and beat your chest. Loudly yell, "What the fuck Bro!" Without explaining the problem.
C: Loudly and passively aggressively complain about millennials ruing society and how no one has any manners today. Stand with you hands on your hips while grimacing.
D: Sit behind them really close and explain that you weren’t done but that the two of you can machine if they’d like. Subtly grope them.
E: Accidentally spill your green smoothie all over them.
Question 5
In the locker room there is a person who is openly nervous about changing and is looking around the room. Do you:
A: Give them space and try to focus on changing and leave.
B: Take off all your clothes and strut over and ask if they’re feeling alright. Ask them about the latest sports event to put them at ease.
C: Ignore them completely and walk around the changing room naked and fart loudly.
D: Compliment their clothing and sit nearby to make them feel at ease. Subtly grope them.
E: Change as fast as possible to give them space and run out of the changing room at mock speed. If possible do the Naruto run.
Question 6
A person asks you for a spot. Do you:
A: Walk over and help them. Encourage them as they lift and tell them they did a great job.
B: Strut over while shouting "Of course Bro!" Criticize their form the whole time and tell them what you’d do better while flexing aggressively.
C: Scold them for asking and tell them they should either just lift it on their own and not bother people or go home. Kids today are too disrespectful.
D: As you spot them lowly maneuver you groin closer and closer to them.
E: Pretend you didn’t hear them and hide behind the weight rack.
Question 7
A young child is running through the room. Do you:
A: Go find an employee and ask them for help.
B: Give the child a caffeinated protein shake and call him little man.
C: Intentionally trip the child and ignore the crying. Smirk to yourself.
D: Ignore the child and continuing staring at the other gym members as they work out.
E: Sparta kick the child. Realize what you’ve done and hide behind the weight rack.
Question 8
You notice a member openly staring at other members. They are positioning themselves so they can watch people work out and stare lewdly. Do you:
A: Find the nearest employee and explain the situation.
B: Strut over them and tell them loudly to stop. Make sure to smile at the person they were staring at. Do an aggressive head nod at them and walk away.
C: Ignore them and yell at the news program.
D: Walk over to the person and ask who they think is the hottest person there.
E: Try to make conversation with other members about your Star Wars theories.
Question 9
You see another member leave their water bottle behind by accident: Do you:
A: Try to politely grab their attention as they pass and point out their water bottle.
B: Yell, "Yo, you left you fucking bottle Bro!" Throw it at them like a football as hard as you can.
C: Mutter to yourself and say it serves them right. Fart loudly mid set.
D: Run over and grab the water bottle. Get their attention and say they left something behind. Hold the water bottle provocatively in front of your groin.
E: Immediately claim it as your own and squirrel it away with the rest of your ill-gotten collection.
Question 10
You see a member leave their machine in a puddle of sweat and not return to towel it off. Do you:
A: Spray the machine down and wipe it off. Remember this for next time so you can politely and non-threateningly pull them aside and tell them they should wipe down the equipment after using it.
B: Wipe down the equipment with your towel and then throw it in the person's face while calling them a sweaty jackass.
C: It’s the gym employee’s job to clean things up. You as the members pay them. It’s not anyone’s job to clean up but the gym employees.
D: Immediately use the machine and inhale their scent deeply.
E: Ignore them and continue eating your large pepperoni pizza and buffalo wings.
Question 11
Another gym member is attenpting to make small talk with you. Do you:
A: Politely engage with them to make them feel comfortable and a part of the community.
B: Flex aggressively. Talk over them and change the subject.
C: Sneer and leave.
D: Stand as close as possible to them. Subtly grope them.
E: Show them your impersonation of a velociraptor and run around the weight room screeching.
Question 12
You are lifting weights in front of the mirror. Do you:
A: Use the mirror to help make sure you form is correct for both eccentric and concentric movements.
B: Flex aggressively and kiss your biceps.
C: As you arrive grab all the different weights you need for each exercises you may or may not do while taking up as much room as possible. Leave your space in total disarray as it’s not your job to rack them after you are done.
D: Lift half-heartedly as you use the mirror to stealthily look at other gym members.
E: Practice making different faces for your improv comedy troupe. Don’t explain yourself as it’s a social experiment.
Question 13
You notice a large influx of gym members due to New Year’s resolutions and the gym is much more crowded than usual. It is also filled with a lot of new and inexperienced members. Do you:
A: Hope that many of the new members stay and continue on to have a positive physical improvement journey.
B: Complain loudly about all the idiots who don’t know how to lift properly and lament that the wight room is crowded with a bunch of newbies.
C: Turn up the volume on the new channel as high possible to drown out the noise.
D: Offer to help any of the new people with exercises or to show them around. Grope them subtly.
E: Only show up at off hours to avoid having human interaction. Complain on the internet about the gym sucking now.
We’d like to thank you for taking time out of your day to complete this educational quiz. We ask that after you finish to please hand it in to the nearest gym employee for review.
