There is No Friend Zone

I often hear, or read, about boys (I choose to use the word boys and not men for a specific reason) being stuck in the friend zone.  They lament that their perfect female friend doesn’t understand the depths of their love and that they should be together.  There are often two very specific problems with this kind complaint.
Firstly, you’re an idiot and that friend is allowed to make their own choice.  There is no destiny involved here, just your delusional sense of self-importance.  Secondly you probably didn’t voice your opinion and she isn’t a mind reader.  No one is, except for mind readers, if they happen to exist.

Being shy and nice doesn’t equate to being the one.  And being nice does not entitle you to the object of your fantasy.  And fantasy is a key word here.  Not that the woman is unattainable but that you heap all these praises on her raising her to demi god status.  She is no longer a human being but a thing, a fetish, totally unrealistic and far too perfect.  No person should have to live up to hype you created.

But, you ask, I do everything for her and she takes for granted why can’t she know that loving me is the right thing?  There are a few answers to this.  Only one of them is you being correct.  Another is that simply she is using you.  You have placed yourself into this master servant role willingly.  There is no contract that says hey hold my purse, go shopping with me, be a shoulder to cry on for like six months and then all of a sudden I’ll strip naked and fuck your brains out.  Nope, doesn’t happen.  You’re stuck there because you made that happen.  Accept being a friend-servant and never a boyfriend or move on.  More probably you never made a move and want to be near your beloved.  You never made it clear that your intentions were to wee her.  Maybe you write sappy poems or buy her presents but they are always calculated not to be too risky.  Asking a person out is risky.  It can be heart wrenching hearing a no.  It can be pure elation hearing a yes.  But if you always stay safe she won’t know your intentions.

If you keep hanging around you become a lead weight on her.  You might try to sabotage any perspective suitor who has the guts to ask.  You’re doing her no favors.  So get over yourself and ask.  Or, here’s a  novel idea, just be friends.  Being a friend isn’t a consolation prize.  And being a friend isn’t meant to be the path to romantic interlude.  This person owes you nothing.

Being a nice guy doesn’t mean being nice only for a prize (her love), it means being nice for the sake of being nice.  Being nice for a prize means you’re a dick.  You probably watched too many movies where the shy nerdy guy gets the girl at the end.  The problem with those movies is that it treats the woman as a prize.  By winning the game, or the election, or rallying the kids of the city they end up winning the heart of the girl.  That’s the job of the girl in these movies to reward the hero’s efforts.  That isn’t life.  Women aren’t a reward for a job well done.  There are two movie franchises I can think of where the hero didn’t get the girl but his friend did (Star Wars and Harry Potter) and I appreciated them all the more for that.

I know these things because I was idiot as a younger man.  That’s why you might have read some anger in these words.  They were not pointed at others as much as at a past self.  While I never placed myself in the friend zone exactly I never left my safe zone.  I was an admirer from afar.  It’s a weird, voyeuristic, hollow thing to be like that.  At one point in my life something just gave way.  I don’t remember the exact moment but I came to realize being so reserved and nervous about socializing did me no favors.  I liked people and I liked being around them.  I wanted to go to parties.  So I did.  I just stopped making excuses and stopped being safe.  It led to rejection, heart ache and sorrow but mostly it led to fun, to happiness and finally love.  I stopped admiring from afar and I never placed anyone so high up they were untouchable or sacrosanct.  We are all just imperfect people and I’m quite content with that.

So remember if you’re in the friend zone it’s because you made that choice not them.  Either ask them out, be a friend or walk away.  You’ll be happier in the end.

Ben